When I die “Teralbay” will be written
on my heart. While I live it shall be my telegraphic
address. I shall patent a breakfast food called
“Teralbay”; I shall say “Teralbay!”
when I miss a 2-ft. putt; the Teralbay carnation will
catch your eye at the Temple show. I shall write
anonymous letters over the name. “Fly at
once; all is discovered—Teralbay.”
Yes, that would look rather well.
I wish I knew more about Lord Melbourne. What
sort of words did he think of? The thing couldn’t
he “aeroplane” or “telephone”
or “googly,” because these weren’t
invented in his time. That gives us three words
less. Nor, probably, would it be anything to eat;
a Prime Minister would hardly discuss such subjects
with his Sovereign. I have no doubt that after
hours of immense labour you will triumphantly suggest
“rateably.” I suggested that myself,
but it is wrong. There is no such word in the
dictionary. The same objection applies to “bat-early”—it
ought to mean something, but it doesn’t.
So I hand the word over to you. Please do not
send the solution to me, for by the time you read
this I shall either have found it out or else I shall
be in a nursing home. In either case it will be
of no use to me. Send it to the Postmaster-General
or one of the Geddeses or Mary Pickford. You
will want to get it off your mind.
As for myself I shall write to my fr——,
to the person who first said “Teralbay”
to me, and ask him to make something of “sabet”
and “donureb.” When he has worked
out the corrections—which, in case he gets
the wrong ones, I may tell him here are “beast”
and “bounder”—I shall search
the dictionary for some long word like “intellectual.”
I shall alter the order of the letters and throw in
a couple of “g’s” and a “k”.
And then I shall tell them to keep a spare bed for
him in my nursing home.
Well, I have got “Teralbay” a little off
my mind. I feel better able now to think of other
things. Indeed, I might almost begin my famous
essay on “The Improbability of the Infinite.”
It would be a pity for the country to lose such a
masterpiece—she has had quite enough trouble
already what with one thing and another. For my
view of the Infinite is this: that although beyond
the Finite, or, as one might say, the Commensurate,
there may or may not be a——
Just a moment. I think I have it now. T—R—A——No....
There has been some talk lately of the standardization
of golf balls, but a more urgent reform is the standardization
of Christmas presents. It is no good putting
this matter off; let us take it in hand now, so that
we shall be in time for next Christmas.
