CHAPTER V.

Thanks to the senator’s potion Stephanus soon fell asleep.  Paulus sat near him and did not stir; he held his breath, and painfully suppressed even an impulse to cough, so as not to disturb the sick man’s light slumbers.

An hour after midnight the old man awoke, and after he had lain meditating for some time with his eyes open, he said thoughtfully:  “You called yourself and us all egotistic, and I certainly am so.  I have often said so to myself; not for the first time to day, but for weeks past, since Hermas came back from Alexandria, and seems to have forgotten how to laugh.  He is not happy, and when I ask myself what is to become of him when I am dead, and if he turns from the Lord and seeks the pleasures of the world, my heart sickens.  I meant it for the best when I brought him with me up to the Holy Mountain, but that was not the only motive—­it seemed to me too hard to part altogether from the child.  My God! the young of brutes are secure of their mother’s faithful love, and his never asked for him when she fled from my house with her seducer.  I thought he should at least not lose his father, and that if he grew up far away from the world he would be spared all the sorrow that it had so profusely heaped upon me, I would have brought him up fit for Heaven, and yet through a life devoid of suffering.  And now—­and now?  If he is miserable it will be through me, and added to all my other troubles comes this grief.”

“You have sought out the way for him,” interrupted Paulus, “and the rest will be sure to come; he loves you and will certainly not leave you so long as you are suffering.”

“Certainly not?” asked the sick man sadly.  “And what weapons has he to fight through life with?”

“You gave him the Saviour for a guide; that is enough,” said Paulus soothingly.  “There is no smooth road from earth to Heaven, and none can win salvation for another.”

Stephanus was silent for a long time, then he said:  “It is not even allowed to a father to earn the wretched experience of life for his son, or to a teacher for his pupil.  We may point out the goal, but the way thither is by a different road for each of us.”

“And we may thank God for that,” cried Paulus.  “For Hermas has been started on the road which you and I had first to find for ourselves.”

“You and I,” repeated the sick man thoughtfully.  “Yes, each of us has sought his own way, but has enquired only which was his own way, and has never concerned himself about that of the other.  Self! self!—­How many years we have dwelt close together, and I have never felt impelled to ask you what you could recall to mind about your youth, and how you were led to grace.  I learnt by accident that you were an Alexandrian, and had been a heathen, and had suffered much for the faith, and with that I was satisfied.  Indeed you do not seem very ready to speak of those long past days.  Our neighbor should be as dear to us as our self, and who is nearer to me than you?  Aye, self and selfishness!  There are many gulfs on the road towards God.”