“What a life iv advinture I have led, to be sure. I’ve niver been still a minyit since I cud see an’ hear—always on th’ go, performin’ heeroyc actions on land an’ sea. Between th’ ages iv eight an’ fifteen I bet ye I caught more runaway teams thin all th’ park polismen in th’ wurruld. I begun with stoppin’ th’ horses iv a man called Monahan that owned a canal boat an’ askin’ as a reward that he give me a job dhrivin’ th’ mule. But I rose rapidly in th’ wurruld, an’ befure I was fifteen I was dashin’ out nearly ivry hour an’ nailin’ a team iv maddened animals in th’ bullyvard an’ savin’ th’ life iv th’ pet daughther iv a millyonaire. She usully accepted me young hand in marredge in th’ dhrug store. But sometimes whin I needed a top or a kite I took money. I’m ashamed to con-fiss it, but I did. Iv coorse I rayfused th’ first offer iv th’ pluthycrat. Whin he thried to crowd wan millyon dollar on me, I give him a look iv scorn an’ moved away. He was tur-rbly ashamed iv his onmanly action an’ followed me up an’ be sharp schamin’ managed to get two millyons to me in a way that I cuddn’t resint. I think it come in th’ shape iv an advance payment on th’ dowry.
“At fifteen I quit stoppin’ runaway horses as on’y suited to childher. After that I wint in almost entirely f’r knockin’ down arnychists as they was about to shoot. I saved th’ life iv th’ Impror iv Rooshya, an’ he was anxious f’r to have me stay at th’ coort, but people begun to talk about me an’ wan iv th’ rile princesses an’ I left. On my way home I seized an arnychist jus’ as he had raised his pistol again th’ Prince iv Wales, an’ as a reward he freed Ireland on th’ spot. I rayceived an ovation f’r this in Dublin in 1860 or thereabouts, but I disclaimed anny glory, was always willin’ to do annything f’r me counthry, wisht them th’ best iv luck: gintlemen, I can on’y say, I thank ye, I thank ye, I thank ye.
“Me raycint advintures has been more in th’ spoortin’ line. I had to give up futball afther winnin’ victhry f’r me almy matther f’r four successive years be a suparb run aroun’ th’ end. F’r a long time I sailed th’ cup dayfinder ivry year, an’ always won be a sthrategy that no wan but mesilf undherstands. I’ve killed iliphants an’ tigers be th’ hundherd, rescooed people fr’m dhrownin’ be th’ thousan’, climbed up th’ outside iv a burnin’ buildin’ an’ come down with two or three fine-lookin’ ladies in me arms, captured forts, charged armies, knocked out th’ wurruld’s greatest pugilists with a punch, led revolutions, suppressed thim, an’ done it all modestly an’ quietly.