“Arly in th’ mornin’ Higgins has got to be out exercisin’ a horse to keep th’ horse in good health. Higgins has no business on a horse an’ he knows it. He was built an’ idycated f’r a cooper an’ th’ horse don’t fit him. Th’ nachral way f’r Higgins to ride a horse is to set well aft an’ hang onto th’ ears. But he’s tol’ that’s wrong an’ he’s made to set up sthraight an’ be a good fellow an’ meet th’ horse half way. An’ if th’ horse don’t run away with Higgins an’ kill him, he’s tol’ it’s not a good horse an’ he ought to sell it. An’ mind ye, he pays f’r that though he can’t help raymimberin’ th’ man nex’ dure fr’m him used to get tin dollars a week f’r th’ same job.
“Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four horses f’r a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job. He used to come in at night an’ wish his parents had made him a cooper, an’ Higgins pitied him, knowin’ he cudden’t get out a life insurance policy an’ his wife was scared to death all th’ time. Now that Higgins has got th’ money, he’s took th’ brewery man’s job with worse horses an’ him barred fr’m dhrivin’ with more thin wan hand. An’ does he get annything f’r it? On th’ conth’ry, Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An’ he says he’s havin’ a good time an’ if th’ brewery man come along an’ felt sorry f’r him, Higgins wudden’t exactly know why.
“Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin’ how he despised th’ Swede sailors that used to loaf in th’ saloon near his house dunn’ th’ winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th’ same thing as dhrivin’ a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to play golf, which is th’ same thing as bein’ a letther-carryer without a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud f’r batin’ a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing as bein’ a bookmaker with th’ chances again’ ye; he has to go abroad, which is th’ same thing as bein’ an immigrant; he has to set up late, which is th’ same thing as bein’ a dhrug clerk; an’ he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th’ same thing as bein’ a sucker.
“He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort is a kind iv non-union laborer. He don’t get wages f’r it an’ he don’t dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy, shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th’ man that runs th’ steam-roller. It’s a tough life. They’se no rest f’r th’ rich an’ weary. We’ll be readin’ in th’ pa-apers wan iv these days: ‘Alonzo Higgins, th’ runner up in las’ year’s champeenship, showed gr-reat improvement in this year’s brick layin’ tournymint at Newport, an’ won handily with about tin square feet to spare. He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his hod carryer an’ displayed all th’ agility which won him so much applause arlier in th’ year.