“‘This,’ says our author, ‘was th’ daily life iv th’ hayro f’r tin years. In what purgatory will that infamous woman suffer if Hiven thinks as much iv janiuses as we think iv oursilves. Forchnitly th’ pote was soon to be marcifully relieved. He left her an’ she marrid a boorjawce with whom she led a life iv coarse happiness. It is sad to relate that some years aftherward th’ great pote, havin’ called to make a short touch on th’ woman f’r whom he had sacryficed so much, was unfeelingly kicked out iv th’ boorjawce’s plumbin’ shop.’
“So, ye see, Hinnissy, why a woman oughtn’t to marry a janius. She can’t be cross or peevish or angry or jealous or frivolous or annything else a woman ought to be at times f’r fear it will get into th’ ditchn’ry iv bio-graphy, an’ she’ll go down to histhry as a termygant. A termygant, Hinnissy, is a woman who’s heerd talkin’ to her husband after they’ve been marrid a year. Hogan says all janiuses was unhappily marrid. I guess that’s thrue iv their wives, too. He says if ye hear iv a pote who got on with his fam’ly, scratch him fr’m ye’er public lib’ry list. An’ there ye ar-re.”
“Ye know a lot about marredge,” said Mr. Hennessy.
“I do,” said Mr. Dooley.
“Ye was niver marrid?”
“No,” said Mr. Dooley. “No, I say, givin’ three cheers. I know about marredge th’ way an asthronomer knows about th’ stars. I’m studyin’ it through me glass all th’ time.”
“Ye’re an asthronomer,” said Mr. Hennessy; “but,” he added, tapping himself lightly on the chest, “I’m a star.”
“Go home,” said Mr. Dooley crossly, “befure th’ mornin’ comes to put ye out.”
“Why is it,” asked Mr. Hennessy, “that a rayform administhration always goes to th’ bad?”
“I’ll tell ye,” said Mr. Dooley. “I tell ye ivrything an’ I’ll tell ye this. In th’ first place ’tis a gr-reat mistake to think that annywan ra-aly wants to rayform. Ye niver heerd iv a man rayformin’ himsilf. He’ll rayform other people gladly. He likes to do it. But a healthy man’ll niver rayform while he has th’ strenth. A man doesn’t rayform till his will has been impaired so he hasn’t power to resist what th’ pa-apers calls th’ blandishments iv th’ timpter. An’ that’s thruer in politics thin annywhere else.
“But a rayformer don’t see it. A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th’ thruth iv th’ matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him. Ye can always ilict a man in this counthry on that platform. If I was runnin’ f’r office, I’d change me name, an’ have printed on me cards: ’Give him a chanst; he can’t be worse.’ He’s ilicted because th’ people don’t know him an’ do know th’ other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey’s oldest boy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden’t get wather above th’ third story wan day, because th’ sthreet car