Observations By Mr. Dooley eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 209 pages of information about Observations By Mr. Dooley.
Oh, it was turr’ble.  Here it is in th’ pa-apers:  ’Misther Biv’ridge said th’ st-t-m-nts iv th’ hon’rable sinitor fr’m Texas was unw-r-nted.’  Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says.  Now, th’ sinitors iv th’ United States is not aisily shocked.  That’s not th’ way ye get into th’ Sinit.  Th’ bright blush iv shame hasn’t been used there more thin twice since th’ war.  Ye can say almost annything ye like to a sinitor.  Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, that he’s livin’ undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust, that his on’y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New York s’ciety, an’ th’ Sinit will on’y yawn.  But wanst even hint that his such-an’-such is so-an’-so (I will not repeat th’ heejous wurruds) an’ ye mus’ hurry an’ slip on th’ brass knuckles, f’r they’se a slap comin’ to ye.

“Here’s what happened:  ’Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over Sinitors Hoar, Mason, Quay, an’ others an’ made f’r where Sinitor Biv’ridge was quitely smokin’ a cigar an’ talkin’ to himsilf.  Sinitor Bailey says:  “Hon’rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooation again’ me good name,” he says.  “I have not led a pure life.  No man has.  I don’t claim to be anny betther thin others.  But no wan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an’ if ye don’t take thim back at wanst, I’ll kill ye, I’ll choke ye, I’ll give ye a poke in th’ eye,” he says.  “I cannot consint,” says th’ bold sinitor fr’m Injyanny, “I cannot consint to haul back me epithet.  It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy,” he says.  “Thin,” says Sinitor Bailey, “here goes f’r an assault an’ batthry.”  An’ with a gesture iv th’ thrue orator, he seized him be th’ throat.  Th’ debate become gin’ral.  Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f’r th’ raypublicans an’ Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f’r th’ dimmycrats.  Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair, to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor.  Owin’ to th’ excitin’ nature iv th’ debate on’y a few iv th’ best remarks reached th’ gall’ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin’ out a riprisintative iv th’ Sultan iv Zulu.  At th’ hospital he declared himsilf much imprissed.  Durin’ th’ proceedin’s Biv’ridge acted in th’ mos’ gintlemanly an’ even ladylike manner.  His face wore a smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an’ he niver took his cigar fr’m his mouth wanst.  Indeed, it was siv’ral hours befure th’ Havana cud be exthracted be th’ surgeon who was called in.  While th’ debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson was obsarved to give a slight moan an’ turn its face to th’ wall.  Th’ Sinit thin took up routine business an’ th’ janitor swept up th’ hair an’ neckties.  Sinitor Biv’ridge was not much hurt.  Th’ tinder outside iv th’ wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th’ wurrukin’ inside is still intact.’

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Observations By Mr. Dooley from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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