“‘Upon seein’ th’ Cap, we at once diagnosed th’ case as peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th’ throat. Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th’ annysthetic, Dr. Hygeen opened th’ window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th’ gas, Dr. Aluompaine turned th’ pitchers to th’ wall, Dr. Rambo looked out th’ window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an’ Coltar took a walk in th’ park, an’ Doctor Saliclate figured up th’ bill. As we have said we diagnosed th’ case as above. We can’t raymimber th’ name. It depinds on how th’ syllables came out iv th’ hat. We were wrong, although what we see whin we got in more thin made up f’r th’ error. We made a long incision fr’m th’ chin down an’ another acrost an’ not findin’ what we expicted, but manny things that ought to be kept fr’m th’ fam’ly, we put th’ Cap back an’ wint on. Th’ op’ration was a complete success. Th’ wretch is restin an’ swearin’ easily. We have given him a light meal iv pickles an’ antiseptic oats, an’ surgical science havin’ done its duty, mus’ lave th’ rest to Nature, which was not in th’ consultation, bein’ considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular. (Signed) Look at our names: ’Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers, Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo, Saliclate.’
“But that’s nawthin’. If ye think they’se annything ye wud like to keep up ye’er sleeve, look f’r it in th’ pa-apers. ‘Th’ followin’ facts is stated on th’ authority iv wan iv th’ attindin’ surgeons: Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th’ chloryform, singin’ songs, swearin’ an’ askin’ f’r Lucy. His wife’s name is Annamariar. She was in th’ adjinin’ room. It seems they have had throuble. Th’ room was poorly furnished. Th’ Cap’s clothes was much worn as was most iv him. He must have led a shockin’ life. It is doubtful if he will iver raycover f’r he is very, very old. He has been concealin’ his age f’r manny years. He is a notoryous profligate, as was well shown be th’ view we had. Th’ flash light pitcher iv th’ Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry.’
“An’ there ye ar-re. Think iv a man comin’ out in th’ light iv day afther all that. He can’t get on clothes enough to cover him. He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivry man he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf. Th’ fellow on th’ sthreet has been within th’ walls. He’s sayin’ to himsilf: ’Ye’re a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organs an’ antiseptic gauze.’ To th’ end iv his life, he’ll niver be annything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds. His privacy is over f’river, f’r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, to pull down th’ blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th’ size, shape an’ location iv his spleen?