“But ‘twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F’r weeks an’ weeks some iv th’ finest minds in Europe has been debatin’ whether th’ king shud stand on th’ Earl iv Whinkie or th’ markess iv Ballyhoo durin’ th’ ceremony. It was decided that th’ honor shud go to th’ noble earl, but that it was th’ privilege iv th’ noble markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set down. Th’ king ain’t supposed to do annything f’r himsilf but go up an’ be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an’ haul his coat down whin it gets up over th’ collar. An’ ivrybody cudden’t do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th’ right party, whose folks had done it f’r other kings. I’ve been readin’ about it an’ I’ve come to th’ con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th’ Scotch nobility is mos’ly dayscinded fr’m tailors.
“Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin’ to th’ rules iv th’ game, whin wan day I read in th’ pa-aper: ‘Th’ king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin’ fr’m th’ crown.’ Ye see, th’ hat had not been out f’r a long time an’ whin they come to get it fr’m th’ box, ‘twas found that manny iv th’ vallyable gems in th’ band was missin’. I don’t know whether ’tis thrue or not, but ‘tis said that th’ ancesthors iv th’ prisint king, bein’ hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th’ hat iv a Saturdah night an’ go down to Mose at th’ corner an’ get something on it. An’ whin times was slack an’ th’ ponies backward, they cudden’t get th’ jools out, so they cut a piece fr’m th’ window an’ pasted it in. It looked f’r awhile as though th’ king wud have to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden’t find th’ tickets high or low. It wudden’t do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an’ there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at th’ right moment an’ give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools an’ th’ hat was properly decorated. Fr’m that time on we saw that if we were to get th’ worth iv our money, we’d have to do th’ job oursilves, an’ ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins. Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint thim th’ sthreets; Frohman th’ theatres; th’ American syndicate give thim th’ use iv th’ river, an’ a hundherd thousand lile American hearts an’ lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made th’ king jump ivry time he heerd it.
“An’ th’ American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th’ pa-apers. I sometimes wondher whin I read th’ palajeems iv our liberties whether an English nobleman iver marries at home. Is it a law that prevints thim fr’m marryin’ thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed daughters iv ol’ Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th’ American duchesses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th’ cawrnation, ye bet. They were th’ cawrnation. They bore th’ thrain iv th’ queen.