“‘I hope I have tol’ ye enough to show ye that th’ stories iv disordher is greatly exaggerated. Th’ counthry is pro-gressin’ splindidly, th’ ocean still laps th’ shore, th’ mountains are there as they were in Bivridge’s day, quite happy apparently; th’ flag floats free an’ well guarded over th’ govermint offices, an’ th’ cherry people go an’ come on their errands—go out alone an’ come back with th’ throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th’ shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people. Gintlemen, I thank ye.’
“An’ there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid story will quite th’ waggin’ tongues iv scandal an’ that people will let th’ Ph’lippeens stew in their own happiness.”
“But sure they ought do something f’r thim,” said Mr. Hennessy.
“They will,” said Mr. Dooley. " They’ll give thim a measure iv freedom.”
“Whin they’ll sthand still long enough to be measured,” said Mr. Dooley.
Soldier and Policeman
“Th’ life iv a sojer though gloryous is hard,” said Mr. Dooley. “Here’s me frind, Gin’ral Fustian, wan iv th’ gallantest men that has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan’s day, has been called down f’r on’y suggistin’ that Sinitor Hoar an’ th’ rest iv thim be hanged be th’ heels. I’m with th’ gallant gin’ral mesilf. I’m not sure but he’d like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions on th’ Ph’lippeens is varyous an’ I don’t give a dam ayether way. If he runs me to earth I on’y ast him as a fellow pathrite that he won’t give me th’ wather cure. Th’ very thought iv it makes me flesh creep.
“But th’ prisidint called him down. Afther th’ publication iv th’ fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an’ fair land was undher sintince iv death fr’m th’ gin’ral, th’ prisidint wrote to him sayin’: ’Dear Fred: Me attintion has been called to ye’er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin’ Edward Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that it can’t be done. It won’t fry beans. So I am compilled be th’ reg’lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol’ commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to ‘ve seen me on th’ top iv San Joon hill. Oh, that was th’ day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers Calv’ry, betther known as th’ Rough Riders, an’ ex-officio prisidint iv th’ United States.’ That was wan f’r Fred. I wisht th’ same cud be handed to Gin’ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if ’tis on’y to say ’tis a fine day—which I must say is seldom—all they do to him is to break his back.
“’Tis a hard life, a sojer’s, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me father had enthered me f’r a martial career instead iv tachin’ me be precipt an’ example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin a man gets to be a gin’ral because he’s been a long time a doctor or because he’s supprissed a naygur rite, ’tis me that wud go boundin’ up to th’ top iv th’ laddher.