Observations By Mr. Dooley eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 209 pages of information about Observations By Mr. Dooley.

“‘Passin’ to th’ pollytical situation, I will say it is good.  Not perhaps as good as ye’ers or mine, but good.  Ivry wanst in a while whin I think iv it, an iliction is held.  Unforchnitly it usually happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered.  In th’ Ph’lippeens th’ office seeks th’ man, but as he is also pursooed be th’ sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an’ fit it on him.  Th’ counthry may he divided into two parts, pollytically, —­where th’ insurrection continues an’ where it will soon be.  Th’ brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th’ insurrected parts be martiyal law, but th’ civil authorities are supreme in their own house.  Th’ diff’rence between civil law an’ martiyal law in th’ Ph’lippeens is what kind iv coat th’ judge wears.  Th’ raysult is much th’ same.  Th’ two branches wurruks in perfect harmony.  We bag thim in th’ city an’ they round thim up in th’ counthry.

“’It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.  Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th’ ways an’ customs iv th’ counthry.  We ar-re givin’ hundherds iv these pore benighted haythen th’ well-known, ol’-fashioned American wather cure.  Iv coorse, ye know how ’tis done.  A Filipino, we’ll say, niver heerd iv th’ histhry iv this counthry.  He is met be wan iv our sturdy boys in black an’ blue iv th’ Macabebee scouts who asts him to cheer f’r Abraham Lincoln.  He rayfuses.  He is thin placed upon th’ grass an’ given a dhrink, a baynit bein’ fixed in his mouth so he cannot rejict th’ hospitality.  Undher th’ inflooence iv th’ hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th’ granjoor iv his adoptive counthry.  One gallon makes him give three groans f’r th’ constitchoochion.  At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped in th’ flag.  At th’ dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle.  Occasionally we run acrost a stubborn an’ rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me idee iv human rights an’ swallow th’ Passyfic Ocean, but I mus’ say mos’ iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.  Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr’m th’ Spanyard, but we have improved on thim.  I was talkin’ with a Spanish gintleman th’ other day who had been away f’r a long time an’ he said he wudden’t know th’ counthry.  Even th’ faces iv th’ people on th’ sthreets had changed.  They seemed glad to see him.  Among th’ mos’ useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration.  Our reconcenthration camps is among th’ mos’ thickly popylated in th’ wurruld.  But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.  They are always used fin’lly in th’ makin’ iv a good citizen, th’ garotte sildom.

“’I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads like thrile be jury iv ye’er peers into me administhration.  Plain sthraight-forward dealin’s is me motto.  A Filipino at his best has on’y larned half th’ jooty iv mankind.  He can be thried but he can’t thry his fellow man.  It takes him too long.  But in time I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men an’ thrue at th’ inquest.

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Observations By Mr. Dooley from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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