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This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 139 pages of information about Observations By Mr. Dooley.

“5.  How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is entitled to live?

“6.  Name eighty reasons f’r dhrawin’ a gun.

“7.  State ye’er opinyion iv sheep men.

“8.  Write a brief account iv th’ life an’ death iv Billy th’ Kid.

“Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on’y a part iv th’ exercise.  They’ll be practical tests as well.  Th’ iligible list’ll be taken out into th’ yard an’ required to shoot at movin’ an’ stationary targets, at pedesthreens an’ horsemen, fr’m th’ pocket, fr’m th’ hip, over th’ shouldher, fr’m a window with a sawed-off shot gun, an’ so on.  They’ll be required to bust a buckin’ bronc, cut out a steer fr’m th’ herd without stampedin’ th’ rest, lassoo movin’ objects an’ give other exhibitions iv science.  An’ th’ la-ad that wins out’ll have to defind his job again’ all comers f’r a month.

“I want to see this day.  We’re a nation iv hayroes, an’ none but hayroes shud enjye th’ spoil.  Thin we’ll read that th’ Hon. Mike McCorker has been appinted Ambassadure to England:  ’Mike is wan iv th’ mos’ detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an’ Rawlins.  His early life was spint in seclusion, owin’ to a little diff’rence about a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thin he made his mark on th’ marshal iv Red Gulch.  He applied himsilf to his chosen career with such perseverance an’ so thrue an aim that within two years he had risen to th’ head iv his pro-fission, a position that he has since held without interruption excipt durin’ th’ peryod whin th’ Hon. Grindle H. Gash shelled him f’r three days with a howitzer.  His remarkable night attack on that gallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f’rgotten.  A great ovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f’r th’ coort iv Saint James.  Some iv th’ boys is loadin’ up f’r it already, an’ near all th’ Chinese has moved into th’ hills.  Ambassadure Gash was a Rough Rider durin’ th’ late Cubian War.

“‘Th’ appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th’ United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizens iv New Mexico.  Judge Flush is th’ recognized authority on gun shot wounds an’ lynch law in th’ Southwest, besides bein’ in private life a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf.  He was wan iv th’ first men up San Joon Hill on th’ mim’rable day.

“‘Th’ sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th’ Rough Riders, includin’ th’ sicrety iv th’ threesury, th’ postmasther gin’ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an’ wan hundherd an’ eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo.  Th’ conversation was informal, but it is undhershtud that th’ advisability iv an excursion to Boston to shoot up th’ anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed.  Th’ prisidint dhropped in durin’ th’ conference an’ greeted all prisint be their first name, which is Bill.  There was some good-natured chaff as to which iv th’ gintlemen was first at th’ top iv San Joon Hill befure th’ meetin’ broke up.  Th’ postmasther gin’ral is sufferin’ fr’m a slight knife wound.’”

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