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This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 139 pages of information about Observations By Mr. Dooley.
th’ on’y wan an impror has to plaze is himsilf.  Th’ German impror frequently mintions another, but on’y in th’ way iv politeness.  I know what an impror’s jooties is, but I don’t know what an impror’s brother has to do ex officio, as Hogan says.  But this boy Hinnery or Hans has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town.  He’s a kind iv travellin’ agent f’r th’ big la-ad.  His bag is ready packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his boots beside his bed, an’ they’se a thrap dure alongside th’ cradle f’r him to slide down to th’ first flure.

“He’s no more thin got to sleep whin th’ three iliven sounds on th’ gong.  In Hinnery leaps to th’ pantaloons, down th’ laddher he goes pullin’ up his suspinders with wan hand an’ puttin’ on his hat with th’ other an’ off he is f’r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan at a gallop.  His brother stands at th’ dure an’ hollers farewell to him.  ‘Go, Hinnery,’ he says.  ‘Go, me dear brother, to th’ land iv perpetchooal sunshine an’ knock in nails f’r to hang up th’ German armor,’ he says.  ‘Knock in th’ nails, an’ if ye happen to hit ye’ersilf on th’ thumb, swear on’y be th’ German Mike an’ raymimber ye done it f’r me,’ he says.  ‘I will remain at home an’ conthrol th’ rest iv th’ wurruld with th’ assistance iv that German Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an’ that we look up to as our akel,’ he says.  An’ Hinnery goes away.  He travels o’er land an’ sea, be fire an’ flood an’ field.  He’s th’ ginooine flyin’ Dutchman.  His home is in his hat.  He hasn’t slept all night in a bed f’r tin years.  ‘Tis Hinnery this an’ Hinnery that; Hinnery up th’ Nile an’ Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an’ Hinnery there.  Th’ cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th’ time cards iv railroads.  Ivry time they’se a change in schedool he ordhers new shirts.  He knows th’ right iv way fr’m Berlin to Ballymaehoo; he speaks all known languages, an’ ivrywhere he goes he makes a frind or an inimy, which is th’ same thing to th’ Germans.  He carries a sample case undher wan arm an’ a gun undher th’ other, an’ if ye don’t like Rhine wine perhaps ye’ll take lead.  On second considherations he won’t shoot ye but he’ll sell ye th’ Krupp.  They’se more where it come fr’m.

“I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart man.  I used to think ’twas not so.  I thought he had things unaisy in his wheel-house.  I mind whin he got th’ job, ivrywan says:  ’Look out f’r war.  This wild man will he in that office f’r a year whin he’ll just about declare fight with th’ wurruld.’  An’ ivrybody framed up f’r him.  But look ye what happened.  ’Tis twinty years since he was swore in an’ ne’er a fight has he had.  Ivrybody else has been in throuble.  A screw-maker iv a sindintary life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th’ Greeks that were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a push cart has mixed it up with th’ Turks; th’ Japs has been at war,

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