CHAPTER VIII

MARGOT’S first baby and its loss—­dangerous illness—­letter from Queen Victoria—­sir William Harcourt’s PLEASANTRIES—­Asquith ministry falls—­visit from duchess D’AOSTA

Sir John Williams [Footnote:  Sir John Williams, of Aberystwyth, Wales.] was my doctor and would have been a remarkable man in any country, but in Wales he was unique.  He was a man of heart without hysteria and both loyal and truthful.

On the 18th of May, 1895, my sisters Charlotte and Lucy were sitting with me in my bedroom.  I will quote from my diary the account of my first confinement and how I got to know him: 

“I began to feel ill.  My Gamp, an angular-faced, admirable old woman called Jerusha Taylor—­’out of the Book of Kings’—­was bustling about preparing for the doctor.  Henry was holding my hands and I was sobbing in an arm-chair, feeling the panic of pain and fear which no one can realise who has not had a baby.

“When Williams arrived, I felt as if salvation must be near; my whole soul and every beat of my heart went out in dumb appeal to him, and his tenderness on that occasion bred in me a love and gratitude which never faded, but was intensified by all I saw of him afterwards.  He seemed to think a narcotic would calm my nerves, but the sleeping-draught might have been water for all the effect it had upon me, so he gave me chloroform.  The room grew dark; grey poppies appeared to be nodding at me—­and I gasped: 

“’Oh, doctor, dear doctor, stay with me to-night, just this one night, and I will stay with you whenever you like!’

“But Williams was too anxious, my nurse told me, to hear a word I said.

“At four o’clock in the morning, Henry went to fetch the anaesthetist and in his absence Williams took me out of chloroform.  Then I seemed to have a glimpse of a different world:  if pain is evil, then it was hell; if not, I expect I got nearer Heaven than I have ever been before . ...

“I saw Dr. Bailey at the foot of the bed, with a bag in his hand, and Charty’s outline against the lamp; then my head was placed on the pillow and a black thing came between me and the light and closed over my mouth, a slight beating of carpets sounded in my brain and I knew no more . ...

“When I came to consciousness about twelve the next morning, I saw Charty looking at me and I said to her in a strange voice: 

“‘I can’t have any more pain, it’s no use.’

“Charty:  ‘No, no, darling, you won’t have any more.’ (Silence.)

“Margot:  ‘But you don’t mean it’s all over?’

“Charty (soothingly):  ‘Go to sleep, dearest.’

“I was so dazed by chloroform that I could hardly speak.  Later on the nurse told me that the doctor had had to sacrifice my baby and that I ought to be grateful for being spared, as I had had a very dangerous confinement.