Machree!—­look at Lucy Stone!—­look at Elizabeth Cady Stanton!—­look at George Francis Train!  And, sir, I say it with bowed head and deepest veneration—­look at the mother of Washington!  She raised a boy that could not tell a lie—­could not tell a lie!  But he never had any chance.  It might have been different if he had belonged to the Washington Newspaper Correspondents’ Club.

I repeat, sir, that in whatever position you place a woman she is an ornament to society and a treasure to the world.  As a sweetheart, she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin, she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wetnurse, she has no equal among men.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman?  They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.  Then let us cherish her; let us protect her; let us give her our support, our encouragement, our sympathy, ourselves—­if we get a chance.

But, jesting aside, Mr. President, woman is lovable, gracious, kind of heart, beautiful—­worthy of all respect, of all esteem, of all deference.  Not any here will refuse to drink her health right cordially in this bumper of wine, for each and every one has personally known, and loved, and honored the very best one of them all—­his own mother.

ADVICE TO GIRLS

In 1907 a young girl whom Mr. Clemens met on the steamer Minnehaha called him “grandpa,” and he called her his granddaughter.  She was attending St. Timothy’s School, at Catonsville, Maryland, and Mr. Clemens promised her to see her graduate.  He accordingly made the journey from New York on June 10, 1909, and delivered a short address.

I don’t know what to tell you girls to do.  Mr. Martin has told you everything you ought to do, and now I must give you some don’ts.

There are three things which come to my mind which I consider excellent advice: 

First, girls, don’t smoke—­that is, don’t smoke to excess.  I am seventy-three and a half years old, and have been smoking seventy-three of them.  But I never smoke to excess—­that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

Second, don’t drink—­that is, don’t drink to excess.

Third, don’t marry—­I mean, to excess.

Honesty is the best policy.  That is an old proverb; but you don’t want ever to forget it in your journey through life.

TAXES AND MORALS

ADDRESS DELIVERED IN NEW YORK, JANUARY 22, 1906

At the twenty-fifth anniversary of the founding of Tuskeegee Institute by Booker Washington, Mr. Choate presided, and in introducing Mr. Clemens made fun of him because he made play his work, and that when he worked hardest he did so lying in bed.

I came here in the responsible capacity of policeman to watch Mr. Choate.  This is an occasion of grave