What o’clock is it? — Old Saying.
Everybody knows, in a general way, that the finest
place in the world is — or, alas, was —
the Dutch borough of Vondervotteimittiss. Yet
as it lies some distance from any of the main roads,
being in a somewhat out-of-the-way situation, there
are perhaps very few of my readers who have ever paid
it a visit. For the benefit of those who have
not, therefore, it will be only proper that I should
enter into some account of it. And this is indeed
the more necessary, as with the hope of enlisting
public sympathy in behalf of the inhabitants, I design
here to give a history of the calamitous events which
have so lately occurred within its limits. No
one who knows me will doubt that the duty thus self-imposed
will be executed to the best of my ability, with all
that rigid impartiality, all that cautious examination
into facts, and diligent collation of authorities,
which should ever distinguish him who aspires to the
title of historian.
By the united aid of medals, manuscripts, and inscriptions,
I am enabled to say, positively, that the borough
of Vondervotteimittiss has existed, from its origin,
in precisely the same condition which it at present
preserves. Of the date of this origin, however,
I grieve that I can only speak with that species of
indefinite definiteness which mathematicians are,
at times, forced to put up with in certain algebraic
formulae. The date, I may thus say, in regard
to the remoteness of its antiquity, cannot be less
than any assignable quantity whatsoever.
Touching the derivation of the name Vondervotteimittiss,
I confess myself, with sorrow, equally at fault.
Among a multitude of opinions upon this delicate point-
some acute, some learned, some sufficiently the reverse
— I am able to select nothing which ought
to be considered satisfactory. Perhaps the idea
of Grogswigg- nearly coincident with that of Kroutaplenttey
— is to be cautiously preferred. —
It runs: — “Vondervotteimittis
— Vonder, lege Donder — Votteimittis,
quasi und Bleitziz- Bleitziz obsol: —
pro Blitzen.” This derivative, to say the
truth, is still countenanced by some traces of the
electric fluid evident on the summit of the steeple
of the House of the Town-Council. I do not choose,
however, to commit myself on a theme of such importance,
and must refer the reader desirous of information
to the “Oratiunculae de Rebus Praeter-Veteris,”
of Dundergutz. See, also, Blunderbuzzard “De
Derivationibus,” pp. 27 to 5010, Folio, Gothic
edit., Red and Black character, Catch-word and No
Cypher; wherein consult, also, marginal notes in the
autograph of Stuffundpuff, with the Sub-Commentaries
of Gruntundguzzell.
