Feed you tell you hear the buttons
    Crackin’ on yore Sunday vest;
  Haul you roun’ to see the wonders
    Tell you have to cry for rest. 
  Drink yer health an’ pet an’ praise you
    Tell you git to feel ez great
  Ez the Sheriff o’ the county
    Ez the Gov’ner o’ the State.

  Wife, she sez I must be crazy
    ‘Cause I go on so, an’ Nelse
  He ’lows, “Goodness gracious! daddy,
    Cain’t you talk about nuthin’ else?”
  Well, pleg-gone it, I ‘m jes’ tickled,
    Bein’ tickled ain’t no sin;
  I be’n down in ole Kentucky,
    An’ I want o’ go ag’in.

CURTAIN

  Villain shows his indiscretion,
  Villain’s partner makes confession. 
  Juvenile, with golden tresses,
  Finds her pa and dons long dresses. 
  Scapegrace comes home money-laden,
  Hero comforts tearful maiden,
  Soubrette marries loyal chappie,
  Villain skips, and all are happy.

THE SPELLIN’-BEE

  I never shall furgit that night when father hitched up Dobbin,
  An’ all us youngsters clambered in an’ down the road went bobbin’
  To school where we was kep’ at work in every kind o’ weather,
  But where that night a spellin’-bee was callin’ us together. 
  ‘Twas one o’ Heaven’s banner nights, the stars was all a glitter,
  The moon was shinin’ like the hand o’ God had jest then lit her. 
  The ground was white with spotless snow, the blast was sort o’ stingin’;
  But underneath our round-abouts, you bet our hearts was singin’. 
  That spellin’-bee had be’n the talk o’ many a precious moment,
  The youngsters all was wild to see jes’ what the precious show meant,
  An’ we whose years was in their teens was little less desirous
  O’ gittin’ to the meetin’ so ’s our sweethearts could admire us. 
  So on we went so anxious fur to satisfy our mission
  That father had to box our ears, to smother our ambition. 
  But boxin’ ears was too short work to hinder our arrivin’,
  He jest turned roun’ an’ smacked us all, an’ kep’ right on a-drivin’. 
  Well, soon the schoolhouse hove in sight, the winders beamin’ brightly;
  The sound o’ talkin’ reached our ears, and voices laffin’ lightly. 
  It puffed us up so full an’ big ’at I ’ll jest bet a dollar,
  There wa’n’t a feller there but felt the strain upon his collar. 
  So down we jumped an’ in we went ez sprightly ez you make ’em,
  But somethin’ grabbed us by the knees an’ straight began to shake ’em. 
  Fur once within that lighted room, our feelin’s took a canter,
  An’ scurried to the zero mark ez quick ez Tam O’Shanter. 
  ‘Cause there was crowds o’ people there, both sexes an’ all stations;
  It looked like all the town had come an’ brought all their relations. 
  The first I saw was Nettie Gray, I thought that girl was dearer
  ‘N’ gold; an’ when I