The Gentle Grafter eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 172 pages of information about The Gentle Grafter.

“It ain’t exactly set forth in the papers,” says Caligula.  “I suppose it’s a matter of sentiment.  You know he wrote this poem, ’Little Breeches’; and them Greeks wear little or none.  But anyhow, John Hay sends the Brooklyn and the Olympia over, and they cover Africa with thirty-inch guns.  And then Hay cables after the health of the persona grata.  ‘And how are they this morning?’ he wires.  ’Is Burdick Harris alive yet, or Mr. Raisuli dead?’ And the King of Morocco sends up the seventy thousand dollars, and they turn Burdick Harris loose.  And there’s not half the hard feelings among the nations about this little kidnapping matter as there was about the peace congress.  And Burdick Harris says to the reporters, in the Greek language, that he’s often heard about the United States, and he admires Roosevelt next to Raisuli, who is one of the whitest and most gentlemanly kidnappers that he ever worked alongside of.  So you see, Pick,” winds up Caligula, “we’ve got the law of nations on our side.  We’ll cut this colonel man out of the herd, and corral him in them little mountains, and stick up his heirs and assigns for ten thousand dollars.”

“Well, you seldom little red-headed territorial terror,” I answers, “you can’t bluff your uncle Tecumseh Pickens!  I’ll be your company in this graft.  But I misdoubt if you’ve absorbed the inwardness of this Burdick Harris case, Calig; and if on any morning we get a telegram from the Secretary of State asking about the health of the scheme, I propose to acquire the most propinquitous and celeritous mule in this section and gallop diplomatically over into the neighboring and peaceful nation of Alabama.”


Me and Caligula spent the next three days investigating the bunch of mountains into which we proposed to kidnap Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham.  We finally selected an upright slice of topography covered with bushes and trees that you could only reach by a secret path that we cut out up the side of it.  And the only way to reach the mountain was to follow up the bend of a branch that wound among the elevations.

Then I took in hand an important subdivision of the proceedings.  I went up to Atlanta on the train and laid in a two-hundred-and-fifty-dollar supply of the most gratifying and efficient lines of grub that money could buy.  I always was an admirer of viands in their more palliative and revised stages.  Hog and hominy are not only inartistic to my stomach, but they give indigestion to my moral sentiments.  And I thought of Colonel Jackson T. Rockingham, president of the Sunrise & Edenville Tap Railroad, and how he would miss the luxury of his home fare as is so famous among wealthy Southerners.  So I sunk half of mine and Caligula’s capital in as elegant a layout of fresh and canned provisions as Burdick Harris or any other professional kidnappee ever saw in a camp.

I put another hundred in a couple of cases of Bordeaux, two quarts of cognac, two hundred Havana regalias with gold bands, and a camp stove and stools and folding cots.  I wanted Colonel Rockingham to be comfortable; and I hoped after he gave up the ten thousand dollars he would give me and Caligula as good a name for gentlemen and entertainers as the Greek man did the friend of his that made the United States his bill collector against Africa.

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The Gentle Grafter from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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