All these proud thoughts rose within me as the lovely
form of Lorna went inside, and was no more seen.
And then I felt how coarse I was; how apt to think
strong thoughts, and so on; without brains to bear
me out: even as a hen’s egg, laid without
enough of lime, and looking only a poor jelly.
Nevertheless, I waited on; as my usual manner is.
For to be beaten, while running away, is ten times
worse than to face it out, and take it, and have done
with it. So at least I have always found, because
of reproach of conscience: and all the things
those clever people carried on inside, at large, made
me long for our Parson Bowden that he might know how
to act.
While I stored up, in my memory, enough to keep our
parson going through six pipes on a Saturday night—to
have it as right as could be next day—a
lean man with a yellow beard, too thin for a good Catholic
(which religion always fattens), came up to me, working
sideways, in the manner of a female crab.
“This is not to my liking,” I said:
“if aught thou hast, speak plainly; while they
make that horrible noise inside.”
Nothing had this man to say; but with many sighs,
because I was not of the proper faith, he took my
reprobate hand to save me: and with several religious
tears, looked up at me, and winked with one eye.
Although the skin of my palms was thick, I felt a
little suggestion there, as of a gentle leaf in spring,
fearing to seem too forward. I paid the man, and
he went happy; for the standard of heretical silver
is purer than that of the Catholics.
Then I lifted up my little billet; and in that dark
corner read it, with a strong rainbow of colours coming
from the angled light. And in mine eyes there
was enough to make rainbow of strongest sun, as my
anger clouded off.
Not that it began so well; but that in my heart I
knew (ere three lines were through me) that I was
with all heart loved—and beyond that, who
may need? The darling of my life went on, as if
I were of her own rank, or even better than she was;
and she dotted her “i"s, and crossed her “t"s,
as if I were at least a schoolmaster. All of it
was done in pencil; but as plain as plain could be.
In my coffin it shall lie, with my ring and something
else. Therefore will I not expose it to every
man who buys this book, and haply thinks that he has
bought me to the bottom of my heart. Enough for
men of gentle birth (who never are inquisitive) that
my love told me, in her letter, just to come and see
her.
I ran away, and could not stop. To behold even
her, at the moment, would have dashed my fancy’s
joy. Yet my brain was so amiss, that I must do
something. Therefore to the river Thames, with
all speed, I hurried; and keeping all my best clothes
on (indeed for sake of Lorna), into the quiet stream
I leaped, and swam as far as London Bridge, and ate
nobler dinner afterwards.
