In spite of it all, I was in full possession of my
reason, I was not in a passion, and I could not have
looked like a fool.
What could she have seen unusual in my eyes that frightened
her, what inflections were there in my voice for such
an idea suddenly to arise in her brain? Suppose
she had not make a mistake, suppose I no longer knew
what I was saying nor what I was doing, and really
had that terrible malady that she had mentioned, and
which I cannot repeat!
It seems to me now as if I could see myself in a mirror
of anguish, altogether changed, as if my head were
a complete void at times and became something sonorous,
and then was struck violent, prolonged blows from
a heavy clapper, as if it had been a bell, which fills
it with tumultuous deafening vibrations, from a kind
of loud tocsin and from monotonous peals, that were
succeeded by the silence of the grave.
And the voice of recollection, a voice which tells
me Elaine’s mysterious history, which speaks
to me only of her, which recalls that initial night,
that strange night of happiness and of grief, when
I doubted her fidelity, when I doubted her heart as
well as I did herself, passes slowly through this
silence all at once, like the voice of distant music.
Alas! Suppose she had not made a mistake!
I must be an object of hatred to her, and I left home
without writing her a line, without trying to see
her, without wishing her good-bye. She may pity
me or she may hate me, but she certainly does not love
me any longer, and I have myself buried that love,
for which I would formerly have given my whole life.
As she is young and pretty, however, Elaine will soon
console herself for these passing troubles with some
soul that is the shadow of her own, and will replace
me, if she has not done that already, and will seek
happiness in adultery.
What are she and her lover plotting? What will
they try to do to prevent me from interfering with
them? What snares will they set for me so that
I may go and end my miserable life in some dungeon,
from which there is no release?
But that is impossible; it can never be; Elaine belongs
to me altogether and forever; she is my property,
my chattel, my happiness. I adore her, I want
her all to myself, even though she be guilty,
and I will never leave her again for a moment, I will
still stick to her petticoats, I will roll at her
feet, and ask her pardon, for I thirst for her kisses
and her love.
To-night in a few hours, I shall be with her, I shall
go into our room and lie in our bed,
and I will cover the cheeks of my fair-haired darling
with such kisses, that she will no longer think me
mad, and if she cries out, if she defends herself
and spurns me, I shall kill her; I have made up my
mind to that.
