I do not know what I felt, or whence those fears came
which so suddenly assailed me, and took possession
of my whole being like a flight of poisoned arrows.
The nearer the day approached that I am so ardently
longing for, on which Elaine would take my name and
belong to me, the more anxious, nervous and tormented
by the uncertainty of the morrow, I feel.
I love, and I am passionately loved, and few couples
start on the unknown journey of a totally new life
and enter into matrimony with such hopes, and the
same assurance of happiness, as we two.
I have such faith in the girl I am going to marry,
and have made her such vows of love, that I should
certainly kill myself without a moment’s hesitation
if anything were to happen to separate us, to force
us to a correct but irremediable rupture, or if Elaine
were seized by some illness which carried her off
quickly; and yet I hesitate, I am afraid, for I know
that many others have made shipwreck, lost their love
on the way, disenchanted their wives and have themselves
been disenchanted in those first essays of possession,
during that first night of tenderness and of intimacy.
What does Elaine expect in her vague innocence, which
has been lessened by the half confidences of married
friends, by semi-avowals, by all the kisses of this
sort of apprenticeship which is a court of love; what
does she possess, what does she hope for? Will
her refined, delicate, vibrating nature bend to the
painful submission of the initial embrace; will she
not rebel against that ardent attack that wounds and
pains? Oh! to have to say to oneself that it
must come to that, to lower the most ideal of affections,
to think that one is risking one’s whole future
happiness at such a hazardous game, that the merest
trifle might make a woman completely ridiculous or
hopeful, and make an idolized woman laugh or cry!
I do not know a more desirable, prettier or more attractive
being in the whole world than Elaine; I am worn out
by feverish love, I thirst for her lips and I wish
every particle of her being to belong to me; I love
her ardently, but I would willingly give half that
I possess to have got through this ordeal, to be a
week older, and still happy!...
My mother-in-law took me aside yesterday, while they
were dancing, and with tears in her eyes, she said
in a tremulous voice:
“You are going to possess the most precious
object that we possess here, and what we love best....
I beg you to always spare the slightest unhappiness,
and to be kind and gentle towards her.... I count
on your uprightness and affection to guide her and
protect her in this dangerous life in Paris."...
And then, giving way to her feelings more and more,
she added: “I do not think that you suppose
that I have tried to instruct her in her new duties
or to disturb her charming innocence, which has been
my work; when two persons worship each other like you
two do, a girl learns what she is ignorant of, so
quickly and so well!”
