Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.


Mr. CHOKEPEAR is, to the finger-nails, a respectable man.  The tax-gatherer was never known to call at his door a second time for the same rate; he takes the sacrament two or three times a year, and has in his cellar the oldest port in the parish.  He has more than once subscribed to the fund for the conversion of the Jews; and, as a proof of his devotion to the interests of the established church, it was he who started the subscription to present the excellent Doctor MANNAMOUTH with a superb silver tea-pot, cream-jug, and spoons.  He did this, as he has often proudly declared, to show to the infidel world that there were some men in the parish who were true Christians.  He has acquired a profound respect for Sir PETER LAURIE, since the alderman’s judgments upon “the starving villains who would fly in the face of their Maker;” and, having a very comfortable balance at his banker’s, considers all despair very weak, very foolish, and very sinful.  He, however, blesses himself that for such miscreants there is Newgate; and more—­there is Sir PETER LAURIE.

Mr. CHOKEPEAR loves Christmas!  Yes, he is an Englishman, and he will tell you that he loves to keep Christmas-day in the true old English fashion.  How does he keep it?

It is eight o’clock, and Mr. CHOKEPEAR rises from his goose-down.  He dresses himself, says his short morning thanksgiving, and being an economist of time, unconsciously polishes his gold watch-chain the while.  He descends to the breakfast parlour, and receives from lips of ice, the wishes of a happy Christmas, pronounced by sons and daughters, to whom, as he himself declares, he is “the best of fathers”—­the most indulgent of men.

The church-bell tolls, and the CHOKEPEARS, prepare for worship.  What meekness, what self-abasement sits on the Christian face of TOBIAS CHOKEPEAR as he walks up the aisle to his cosey pew; where the woman, with turned key and hopes of Christmas half-crown lighting her withered face, sinks a curtsey as she lets “the miserable sinner” in; having carefully pre-arranged the soft cushions and hassocks for the said sinner, his wife, his sons, and daughters.  The female CHOKEPEARS with half the produce of a Canadian winter’s hunting in their tippets, muffs, and dresses, and with their noses, like pens stained with red ink,—­prepare themselves to receive the religious blessings of the day.  They then venture to look around the church, and recognising CHOKEPEARS of kindred nature, though not of name, in pews—­(none of course among the most “miserable sinners” on the bare benches)—­they smile a bland salutation, and—­but hush! the service is about to begin.

And now will TOBIAS CHOKEPEAR perform the religious duties of a Christian!  Look at him, how he feeds upon every syllable of the minister.  He turns the Prayer-book familiarly, as if it were his bank account, and, in a moment, lights upon the prayers set apart for the day.  With what a composed, assured face he listens to the decalogue—­how firm his voice in the responses—­and though the effrontery of scandal avows that he shifts somewhat from Mrs. CHOKEPEAR’S eye at the mention of “the maid-servant”—­we do not believe it.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.