Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

“WINES:—­Champagne, Hock, Claret, Madeira, Port, and Sherry.”

* * * * *

THE DESTRUCTION OF THE ALDERMEN.

A MANSION-HOUSE MELODY.

  Apoplexia came down on the Alderman fold,
  And his cohorts were gleaming with jaundice like gold,
  And the sheen of the spectres that own’d his behest
  Glimmer’d bright as the gas at a new Lord May’r’s feast.

  Every fiend that humanity shrinks from was there—­
  Hepatitis, Lumbago, with hollow-eyed Care,
  Hypochondria, and Gout grinning ghastly with pain,
  And of Incubi phantoms a horrible train.

  And onwards they gallop’d in brotherly pairs;
  Their pennons pale yellow, their steeds were night mares;
  And their leader’s grim visage a darksome smile wore
  As he gave the word “Halt” at the Mansion-house door.

  The vision dismounted, and peering within,
  ’Midst a rattle of glasses and knife and fork din,
  His victims beheld, tucking in calipash,
  While they hob-nobb’d and toasted in Burgundy wash.

  Then he straightway amongst them his grisly form cast,
  And breathed on each puffing red face as he pass’d;
  And the eyes of the feasters wax’d deadly and chill,
  And their stomachs once heaved, and for ever grew still!

  And the turtle devourers were stretched on the floor—­
  Each cheek changed to purple—­so crimson before! 
  Their dewlaps all dabbled with red wine and ale,
  And extremities cold as a live fish’s tail!

  And there lay the Liv’ryman, breathless and lorn,
  With waistcoat and new inexpressibles torn;
  And the Hall was all silent, the band having flown,
  And the waiters stared wildly on, sweating and blown!

  And Cripplegate widows are loud in their wail! 
  And Mary-Axe orphans all trembling and pale! 
  For the Alderman glory has melted away,
  As mists are dispersed by the glad dawn of day.

* * * * *

HARMER VIRUMQUE CANO.

In the list of guests at the Lord Mayor’s dinner we did not perceive the name of “Harmer” among those who met to “despatch” the viands.  On inquiry we learn that since the fire at the Tower he has secluded himself in his own Harmer-y, and has not egressed from “Ingress Abbey,” for fear of incendiaries.  The ex-alderman having however always shown a decided predilection for Gravesend, it is not wonderful that during the wet season he should be

[Illustration:  STOPPING AT A WATERING-PLACE.]

* * * * *

A CHAPTER ON POLITICS.

    WHEREIN “PUNCH” HINTETH AT A STARTLING CHANGE IN THE MODUS
    OPERANDI OF LEGISLATION.—­HE ALSO EXHIBITETH A PROFOUND KNOWLEDGE
    OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS; AND SHOWETH HOW AT HOME WE ARE ALL ABROAD.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.