Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

A. Any small collection of water, as at Chel_sea_, Batter_sea._

Q. What is a gulf?

A. A gulf is any place, the greater part of which is surrounded by lawyers, as Lincoln’s Inn,—­The Court of Chancery.

Q. What is a haven?

A. A commodious harbour, where people lie at anchor in perfect security, as The Queen’s Bench,—­The Fleet, the sight of which is

[Illustration:  ENOUGH TO TURN ONE’S HEAD.]

Q. What is a strait?

A. A strait is a narrow passage which connects two broad principles as Wakley’s Straits, which join Radicalism and Conservatism.

Q. What is a lake?

A. A lake is any small portion of Honesty, entirely surrounded by Self, as Peel’s Politics.

Q. What is a river?

A. A river is a Tax-stream which rises from the Treasury, and runs into the pockets of the Ministerial party.  The People are the source of the stream—­the Ministry is the mouth.  When the mouth is very wide, it is called a Tory mouth.  The right or left banks of a Tax stream are the Treasury or Opposition benches, to the right or left of the Speaker when he has his back to the source.

Q. How are tax streams divided?

A. Into salaries and pensions.

Q. What is a conflux?

A. Any place where two or more salaries or pensions are united, as The Duke’s breeches-pocket.

Q. Is there any other peculiarity attending a tax stream?

A. Yes. Radicalism is that part of a stream nearest to its source; Toryism that part nearest to its mouth.

* * * * *

SPARKS FROM THE FIRE.

ALL IS NOT LOST.

Colonel Sibthorp begs to inform the Editor of Punch that the loss of the wooden gun named “Policy,” which was destroyed by the late fire at the Tower, is not irreparable.  He has himself been for a long time employed by the Tories for a similar purpose as that for which the “Policy” had been successfully used, namely, to make the enemy believe they were well provided with real artillery; and being now the greatest wooden gun in the world, he will, immediately on the Lower Armoury being rebuilt, be happy to take the place of the gun which has been unfortunately consumed.

* * * * *

DISTRESS OF THE COUNTRY.

BY THE AUTHOR OF “LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF LONDON LIFE.”

Merciful Heaven! we shudder as we write!  The state of destitution to which the civic authorities are reduced is appalling.  Will our readers believe it—­there were only five hundred tureens of turtle, or two thousand five hundred pints, or five thousand basins, amongst not quite fifteen hundred guests,—­only two basins and a half a man,—­for the first course!  But we print the bill of fare; it will be read with intense interest by the manufacturers of Paisley, inhabitants of poor-law unions, but more especially by the literary community.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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