Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.
P. Pellican, being from Orleans—­that Mr. Jonathan J. Twang would retract certain words derogatory to the state represented by Peter P. Pellican.  Mr. Jonathan J. Twang replied in the following determined refusal:—­“I beg to inform the last speaker, Mr. Peter P. Pellican, from the back-woods, that I’ll see him tee-totatiously tarred, feathered, and physicked with red-hot oil and fish-hooks, before I’ll retract one eternal syllable of my pretty particular correct assertions.”

This announcement created considerable confusion.  The President behaved in the most impartial and manly manner, indiscriminately knocking down all such of both parties who came within reach of his mace, and not leaving the chair until he had received two black eyes and lost two front teeth.  The general melee was carried on with immense spirit; the more violent members on either side pummelling each other with the most hearty and legislative determination.  This exciting scene was continued for some time, until during a short cessation a member with a broken leg proposed an adjournment till the following day, when the further discussion could be carried on with Bowie-knives and pistols; this proposition was at once acceded to with immense delight by all parties.  If well enough (as I have two broken ribs, my share of the row) I will forward you an authentic statement of this interesting proceeding.

* * * * *

EPITAPH ON A CANDLE.

  A wicked one lies buried here,
    Who died in a decline;
  He never rose in rank, I fear,
    Though he was born to shine.

  He once was fat, but now, indeed,
    He’s thin as any griever;
  He died,—­the Doctors all agreed,
    Of a most burning fever.

  One thing of him is said with truth,
    With which I’m much amused;
  It is—­That when he stood, forsooth,
    A stick he always used.

  Now winding-sheets he sometimes made,
    But this was not enough,
  For finding it a poorish trade,
    He also dealt in snuff.

  If e’er you said “Go out, I pray,”
    He much ill nature show’d;
  On such occasions he would say,
    “Vy, if I do, I’m blow’d.”

  In this his friends do all agree,
    Although you’ll think I’m joking,
  When going out ’tis said that he
    Was very fond of smoking.

  Since all religion he despised,
    Let these few words suffice,
  Before he ever was baptized
    They dipp’d him once or twice.

* * * * *

SIBTHORP ON BORTHWICK.

Our Sibthorp, while speaking of the asinine qualities of Peter Borthwick, remarked, that in his opinion that respectable member of the Lower House must be indebted to the celebrated medicine promising extreme “length of ears,” and advertised as

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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