Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

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The Belfast Vindicator has a story of a sailor who pledged a sixpence for threepence, having it described on the duplicate ticket as “a piece of silver plate of beautiful workmanship,” by which means he disposed of the ticket for two-and-sixpence.  The Tories are so struck with this display of congenial roguery, that they intend pawning their “BOB,” and having him described as “a rare piece of vertu(e) premiere qualite” in the expectation of securing a crown by it.

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Mr. Muntz requests us to state, in answer to numerous inquiries as to the motives which induce him to cultivate his beard, that he is actuated purely by a spirit of economy, having, for the last few years, grown his own mattresses, a practice which he earnestly recommends to the attention of all prudent and hirsute individuals.  He finds, by experience, that nine square inches of chin will produce, on an average, about a sofa per annum.  The whiskers, if properly attended to, may be made to yield about an easy chair in the same space of time; whilst luxuriant moustachios will give a pair of anti-rheumatic attrition gloves every six months.  Mr. M. recommends, as the best mode of cultivation for barren soils, to plough with a cat’s-paw, and manure with Macassar.

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The Earl of Stair has been created Lord Oxenford.  Theodore Hook thinks that the more appropriate title for a Stair, in raising him a step higher, would have been Lord Landing-place, or Viscount Bannister.

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The Augean task of cleansing the Treasury has commenced, and brooms and scrubbing-brushes are at a premium—­a little anticipative, it is true, of the approaching turn-out; but the dilatory idleness and muddle-headed confusion of those who will soon be termed its late occupiers, rendered this a work of absolute time and labour.  That the change in office had long been expected, is evident from the number of hoards discovered, which the unfortunate employes had saved up against the rainy day arrived.  The routing-out of this conglomeration was only equalled in trouble by the removal of the birdlime with which the various benches were covered, and which adhered with most pertinacious obstinacy, in spite of every effort to get rid of it.  From one of the wicker baskets used for the purpose of receiving the torn-up letters and documents, the following papers were extracted.  We contrived to match the pieces together, and have succeeded tolerably well in forming some connected epistles from the disjointed fragments.  We offer no comment, but allow them to speak for themselves.  They are selected at random from dozens of others, with which the poor man must have been overwhelmed during the past two months:—­

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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