Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

[Illustration:  “I’D BE A BUTTERFLY,” &c.]

VOL.  III.

“Here we are!”—­At home once more—­Old friends and old faces—­Must be changed—­Nobody knows him—­Church bells ringing—­Inquire cause—­(?)—­Wedding—­Clare Grey to Job Snooks, the old pawnbroker—­Brain whirls—­Eyes start from sockets—­Devils and hell—­Clare Grey, the fond, constant, Clare, a jilt?—­Can’t be—­No go—­Stump up to church—­Too true—­Clare just made Mrs. Snooks—­Madness!! rage!!! death!!!!—­Tom’s crutch at work—­Snooks floored—­Bridesman settled—­Parson bolts—­Clerk mizzles—­Salts and shrieks—­Clare in a swoon—­Pa’ in a funk—­Tragedy speech—­Love! vengeance! and damnation!—­Half an ounce of laudanum—­Quick speech—­Tom unshackles his wooden pin—­Dies like a hero—­Clare pines in secret—­Hops the twig, and goes to glory in white muslin—­Poor Tom and Clare! they now lie side by side, beneath

[Illustration:  “A WEEPING WILL-OH!”]

* * * * *

LESSONS IN PUNMANSHIP.

We have been favoured with the following announcement from Mr. Hood, which we recommend to the earnest attention of our subscribers:—­

MR. T. HOOD, PROFESSOR OF PUNMANSHIP,

Begs to acquaint the dull and witless, that he has established a class for the acquirement of an elegant and ready style of punning, on the pure Joe-millerian principle.  The very worst hands are improved in six short and mirthful lessons.  As a specimen of his capability, he begs to subjoin two conundrums by Colonel Sibthorpe.

COPY.

“The following is a specimen of my punning before taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—­

“Q.  Why is a fresh-plucked carnation like a certain cold with which children are affected?

“A.  Because it’s a new pink off (an hooping-cough).

“This is a specimen of my punning after taking six lessons of Mr. T. Hood:—­

“Q.  Why is the difference between pardoning and thinking no more of an injury the same as that between a selfish and a generous man?

“A.  Because the one is for-getting and the other for-giving.”

N.B.  Gentlemen who live by their wits, and diners-out in particular, will find Mr. T. Hood’s system of incalculable service.

Mr. H. has just completed a large assortment of jokes, which will be suitable for all occurrences of the table, whether dinner or tea.  He has also a few second-hand bon mots which he can offer a bargain.

*** A GOOD LAUGHER WANTED.

* * * * *

A SYNOPSIS OF VOTING, ARRANGED ACCORDING TO THE CATEGORIES OF “CANT.”

There hath been long wanting a full and perfect Synopsis of Voting, it being a science which hath become exceedingly complicated.  It is necessary, therefore, to the full development of the art, that it be brought into such an exposition, as that it may be seen in a glance what are the modes of bribing and influencing in Elections.  The briber, by this means, will be able to arrange his polling-books according to the different categories, and the bribed to see in what class he shall most advantageously place himself.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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