Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.
an auction bill?” Suddenly a happy thought struck me:  it was to write a novel, in which only the actual spirit of the narration should be retained, rejecting all expletives, flourishes, and ornamental figures of speech; to be terse and abrupt in style—­use monosyllables always in preference to polysyllables—­and to eschew all heroes and heroines whose names contain more than four letters.  Full of this idea, on my returning home in the evening, I sat to my desk, and before I retired to rest, had written a novel of three neat, portable volumes; which, I assert, any lady or gentlemen, who has had the advantage of a liberal education, may get through with tolerable ease, in the time occupied by the railroad train running from London to Birmingham.

I will not dilate on the many advantages which this description of writing possesses over all others.  Lamplighters, commercial bagmen, omnibus-cads, tavern-waiters, and general postmen, may “read as they run.”  Fiddlers at the theatres, during the rests in a piece of music, may also benefit by my invention; for which, if the following specimen meet your approbation, I shall instantly apply for a patent.

SPECIMEN.

CLARE GREY: 

A NOVEL.

“Brief let me be.”

LONDON:  Printed and Published for the Author.

1841.

VOL.  I.

Clare Grey—­Sweet girl—­Bloom and blushes, roses, lilies, dew-drops, &c.—­Tom Lee—­Young, gay, but poor—­Loved Clare madly—­Clare loved Tom ditto—­Clare’s pa’ rich, old, cross, cruel, &c.—­Smelt a rat—­D——­d Tom, and swore at Clare—­Tears, sighs, locks, bolts, and bars—­Love’s schemes—­Billet-doux from Tom, conveyed to Clare in a dish of peas, crammed with vows, love, despair, hope—­Answer (pencil and curl-paper), slipped through key-hole—­Full of hope, despair, love, vows—­Tom serenades—­Bad cold—­Rather hoarse—­White kerchief from garret-window—­“’Tis Clare! ’tis Clare!”—­Garden-wall, six feet high—­Love is rash—­Scale the wall—­Great house-dog at home—­Pins Tom by the calf—­Old Hunk’s roused—­Fire! thieves! guns, swords, and rushlights—­Tom caught—­Murder, burglary—­Station-house, gaol, justice—­Fudge!—­Pretty mess—­Heigho!—­’Oh! ‘tis love,’ &c.—­Sweet Clare Grey!—­Seven pages of sentiment—­Lame leg, light purse, heavy heart—­Pshaw!—­Never mind—­

[Illustration:  “THINGS MAY TAKE ANOTHER TURN”]

VOL.  II.

“Adieu, my native land,” &c.—­D.I.O.—­“We part to meet again”—­Death or glory—­Red coat—­Laurels and rupees in view—­Vows of constancy, eternal truth, &c—­Tom swells the brine with tears—­Clare wipes her eyes in cambric—­Alas! alack! oh! ah!—­Fond hearts, doomed to part—­Cruel fate!—­Ten pages, poetry, romance, &c. &c.—­Tom in battle—­Cut, slash, dash—­Sabres, rifles—­Round and grape in showers—­Hot work—­Charge!—­Whizz—­Bang!—­Flat as a Flounder—­Never say die—­Peace—­Sweet sound—­Scars, wounds, wooden leg, one arm, and one eye—­Half-pay—­Home—­Huzza!—­Swift gales—­Post-horses—­Love, hope, and Clare Grey—­

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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