Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

By a judicious application of the mesmeric fluid, the greatest domestic comfort can be insured at the least possible trouble.  The happiest Benedict is too well aware that ladies will occasionally exercise their tongues in a way not altogether compatible with marital ideas of quietude.  A few passes of the hand ("in the way of kindness for he who would,” &c. vide Tobin) will now silence the most powerful oral battery; and Tacitus himself might, with the aid of mesmerism, pitch his study in a milliner’s work-room.  Hen-pecked husbands have now other means at their command, to secure quiet, than their razors and their garters.  We have experimentalised upon our Judy, and find it answer to a miracle.  Mrs. Johnson may shut up her laboratory for American Soothing Syrup; mesmerism is the only panacea for those morning and evening infantile ebullitions which affectionate mammas always assign to the teeth, the wind, or a pain in the stomach, and never to that possible cause, a pain in the temper.  Mesmerism is “the real blessing to mothers,” and Elliotson the Mrs. Johnson of the day.  We have tried it upon our Punchininny, and find it superior to our old practice of throwing him out of the window.

Lovers, to you it is a boon sent by Cupid.  Mammas, who will keep in the room when your bosoms are bursting with adoration—­fathers, who will wake on the morning of an elopement, when the last trunk and the parrot are confided to you from the window—­bailiffs, who will hunt you up and down their bailiwick, even to the church-door, though an heiress is depending upon your character for weekly payments—­all are rendered powerless and unobtrusive by this inexplicable palmistry.  Candidates, save your money; mesmerise your opponents instead of bribing them, and you may become a patriot by a show of hands.

These are a few of its social advantages—­its political uses are unbounded.  Why not mesmerise the Chinese? and, as for the Chartists, call out Delafontaine instead of the magistrates—­a few mesmeric passes would be an easy and efficient substitute for the “Riot Act.”  Then the powers of clairvoyance—­the faculty of seeing with their eyes shut—­that it gives to the patient.  Mrs. Ratsey, your royal charge might be soothed and instructed at the same time, by substituting a sheet of PUNCH for the purple and fine linen of her little Royal Highness’s nautilus-shell.

Lord John Russell, the policy of your wily adversary would no longer be concealed.  Jealous husbands, do you not see a haven of security, for brick walls may be seen through, and letters read in the pocket of your rival, by this magnetic telescope? whilst studious young gentleman may place Homer under their arms, and study Greek without looking at it.

[Illustration:  MESMERISM.]

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FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.

The Marquis of Waterford and party visited Vauxhall Gardens on Monday.  The turnpike man on the bridge was much struck by their easy manner of dealing with their inferiors.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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