Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

Not only the appearance, but the manners also, of Foreign Affairs, may be copied with signal benefit.  Two of their accomplishments will be found eminently serviceable—­the art of looking black, and that of leering.  These physiognomical attainments, exhibited by turns, have a marvellous power of attracting female eyes—­those of them, at least, that have a tendency to wander abroad.  The best way of becoming master of these acquisitions is, to peruse with attention the features of bravoes and brigands on the one hand, and those of opera-dancers on the other.  The progress of Foreign Affairs should be attentively watched, as the manner of it is distinguished by a peculiar grace.  This, perhaps, we cannot better teach anyone to catch, than by telling him to endeavour, in walking, to communicate, at each step, a lateral motion to his coat tail.  The gait of a popular actress, dressed as a young officer, affords, next to that actually in question, the best exemplification of our meaning.  Habitual dancing before a looking-glass, by begetting a kind of second nature, which will render the movements almost instinctive, will be of great assistance in this particular.

In order to secure that general style and bearing for which Foreign Affairs are so remarkable, the mind must be carefully divested of divers incompatible qualities—­such as self-respect, the sense of shame, the reverential instinct, and that of conscience, as certain feelings are termed.  It must also be relieved of any inconvenient weight of knowledge under which it may labour; though these directions are perhaps needless, as those who have any inclination to form themselves after the pattern of Foreign Affairs, are not very likely to have any such moral or intellectual disqualifications to get rid of.  However, it would only be necessary to become conversant with the Affairs themselves, in order, if requisite, to remove all difficulties of the sort.  “There is a thing,” reader, “which thou hast often heard of, and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch;” we need not finish the quotation.

To defend the preceding observations from misconstruction, we will make, in conclusion, one additional remark; Foreign Affairs are one thing—­Foreign Gentlemen another.

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[Illustration:  FOREIGN AFFAIRS by (a drawing of an ink bottle)]

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Some of our big mothers of the broad-sheet have expressed their surprise that Lord John Russell should have penned so long an address to the citizens of London, only the day before his wedding.  For ourselves, we think, it would have augured a far worse compliment to Lady John had he written it the day after.  These gentlemen very properly look upon marriage as a most awful ceremony, and would, therefore, indirectly

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