Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

N.B.  Alter the ingredients to a beadle and a workhouse—­the scenes may be the same, but the whole flavour of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn out a perfect pattern.—­Strongly recommended for weak stomachs.


Take a young man six feet high—­mix up with a horse—­draw a squire from his father’s estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best sort)—­prepare both for potting (that is, exporting).  When abroad, introduce a well-pounded Saracen—­a foreign princess—­stew down a couple of dwarfs and a conquered giant—­fill two sauce-tureens with a prodigious ransom.  Garnish with garlands and dead Turks.  Serve up with a royal marriage and cloth of gold.


Take a distant village—­follow with high-road—­introduce and boil down pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat—­hang him up by the heels—­when enough, let his brother cut him down—­get both into a stew—­pepper the real murderer—­grill the innocent for a short time—­then take them off, and put delinquents in their place (these can scarcely be broiled too much, and a strong fire is particularly recommended).  When real perpetrators are done, all is complete.

If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of the enriched sufferer.


Lay in a large stock of “gammon” and pennyroyal—­carefully strip and pare all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the whole—­wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues—­baste with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, and a strong infusion of sycophancy.

Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with long-received pensions or sinecures.



Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female, imbued with every virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy!  Let her stew through the first act as the bride of a condemned convict—­then season with a benevolent but very ignorant lover—­add a marriage.  Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and large whiskers. Dredge in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the dusty boot proprietor being her husband.  Let this steam for some time; during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols—­carefully insert the bullet in the head of him of the dusty boots.  Dessert—­general offering of LADIES’ FINGERS!  Serve up with red fire and tableaux.


Take an enormous hero—­work him up with improbabilities—­dress him in spangles and a long train—­disguise his head as much as possible, as the great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the “tete de veau au naturel.”

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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