Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 1,359 pages of information about Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete.

3rd. Of Good Dinners.—­Wits, like other men, are distinguished by a variety of tastes and inclinations.  Some prefer dining at taverns and eating-houses; others, more discreet or less daring, love the quiet security of the private house, with its hospitable inmates, courteous guests, and no possibility of “bill transactions.”  I confess when I was young and inexperienced, wanting that wisdom which I am now happy to impart, I was a constant frequenter of taverns, eating-houses, oyster-rooms, and similar places of entertainment.  I am old now, and have been persecuted by a brutal world, and am grown timid.  But I was ever a peaceable man—­hated quarrels—­never came to words if I could help it. I do not recommend the tavern, eating-house, oyster-room system. These are the words of wisdom.  The waiters at these places are invariably sturdy, fleet, abusive rascals, who cannot speak and will not listen to reason.  To eat one’s dinner, drink a pint of sherry, and then, calling for the bill, take out one’s pocket-book, and post it in its rotation in a neat hand, informing the waiter the while, that it is a simple debt, and so forth; this really requires nerve.  Great spirits only are equal to it.  It is an innovation upon old, established forms, however absurd—­and innovators bring down upon themselves much obloquy.  To run from the score you have run up—­not to pay your shot, but to shoot from payment—­this is not always safe, and invariably spoils digestion.  No; it is not more honourable—­far from it—­but it is better; for you should strive to become, what is commonly called—­“A Diner Out”—­that is to say, one who continues to sit at the private tables of other men every day of his life, and by his so potent art, succeeds in making them believe that they are very much obliged to him.

How to be this thing—­this “Diner Out”—­I shall teach you, by a few short rules next week.  Till then—­farewell!

* * * * *

Lord William Paget has applied to the Lord Chancellor, to inquire whether the word “jackass” is not opprobrious and actionable.  His lordship says, “No, decidedly, in this case only synonymous.”

* * * * *

THE POLITICAL QUACK.

Sir Robert Peel has convinced us of one thing by his Tamworth speech, that whatever danger the constitution may be in, he will not proscribe for the patient until he is regularly called in.  A beautiful specimen of the old Tory leaven.  Sir Robert objects to give Advice gratis.

* * * * *

TO FANCY BUILDERS AND CAPITALISTS.

A large assortment of peculiarly fine oyster-shells, warranted fire-proof and of first-rate quality; exquisitely adapted for the construction of grottoes.  May be seen by cards only, to be procured of Mr. George Robins, or the clerks of Billingsgate or Hungerfofd markets.

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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 1, Complete from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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