The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 320 pages of information about The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth.

“‘Yes,’ replied the flounder; ’I say so too.  If you do not keep quiet, and live in harmony among yourselves, I will be the means of swallowing you.’  Just at this moment the black pig, with savage grunt, bounded fearlessly into the room and upon the table, where he confronted the flounder with open mouth, overturned the table, smashed all the crockery and pewter, made the uproar and confusion complete.  The pig and flounder fell upon each other, wrestled among the wreck, nor ceased until, like Kilkenny cats, they had nearly devoured their substance.  Such a chaos of excitement as followed!  Grandpapa and Uncle Jeff ogled one another in fear and trembling, women fainted in the arms of gallant men; the General, covered with fish gravy, cut the more sorry figure, as with thunderstruck countenance he raised his hands to protest to the nation.  Meanwhile the guests suddenly disappeared, and Grandpapa seriously damaged the broad disc of his unmentionables; while Uncle Caleb, shaking his sides with laughter, stood his comely figure in the doorway, the thumb of his right hand to his nasal organ, and his fingers making five angles, quizzing the General in his dilemma.  Esteeming it rather an ugly situation for Mister President Pierce, for whose dignity I had a special regard, I picked myself up, made an apology, bowed myself to the great door, and left the General to his pig.  ‘What a mess you have made of it!’ thought I, and straightaway ascended the cupola to watch the nation’s emotion.



“When the nations of Europe give themselves up to the sword, let us aggrandize ours with the arts of peace.  This is my talisman.  In that commerce which is our nation’s pride there is more of greatness than war can give, more of power than armaments can command.  It would be well, Uncle Sam, if you pondered over this; because, having your pockets well lined, war could supply numberless valiant sons ready to do the emptying of them.  This was a private opinion, which forced itself upon my mind as I (having received a commission as minister in general to Mr. Pierce) engaged passage in a spacious balloon, with which to navigate this little globe of ours, and report here and there on the condition of our international difficulties.  Indeed, some of those difficulties required looking after.  And as no man should permit his dignity to take the upward turn when a penny may be turned, I reckoned on turning what I learned to the very best account.  That you spend your money very foolishly, Sam, is as true as sunrise; but more than that, you intrust your honor (which is more precious than your gold) to those who are seen abroad only to misnomer us.  To counteract this state of things is the primary object of my mission round the globe.

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The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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