The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 320 pages of information about The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth.

We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may war only in words.  Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive to that inspiration called fighting for one’s rights; both are for ever finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking.  Indeed, we must all admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their way, their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted.  But Mr. Bull is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly calculates how much being embroiled in war will disturb his tin business.  May our discretion continue to form the best defence against war between the most enlightened governments of christendom.

At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties into an interminable snarl; which said snarl is made worse by the singular hopes of those having friends who would like to be next President of the United States.  The “white house,” (that shrine of patriotic worship!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with formidable niggers from Virginia and Carolina, has become a mammon of faith before which politicians are making sad niggers of themselves.  Mr. Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what could be done in the way of finding a remedy, he determined to plainly introduce the matter during his first talk with General Pierce;—­in a word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large stock of which the General was known to keep on hand.  The party to which Mr. Smooth belonged, “Young America,” enrolled among its numbers many young gentlemen whose spirits were fast, and young ladies whose talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firm believer in the elastic principles of a go-ahead government:  such an one, albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a smash, or make her declare herself something—­revolutionize Europe in general, and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very unchristian it is to wage savage wars.  In addition to this, he would have the world in general more enlightened, and kings made to know that their highest duty was to mould their conduct after the example of good citizens.  Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to these “United States” all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny.

The reader must remember that our hero Smooth is a man most unpolished, though never so bad as he seems.  But we will let him speak for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sam, of course those may read who will.

Enough from the Editor.

White house, Washington, D.C.,
        June, 1855.

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The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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