The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 320 pages of information about The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth.
bread to the hungry people at Greytown he has made homeless with his bombshells.  Smooth leans no disrespect to Mr. President Pierce, who, since his wondrous victory over the Mosquitoes, has disappointed the world by demonstrating the singular fact that he has a gunpowder policy, which he developes when he can find objects sufficiently small for his purposes.  Heretofore, Smooth had got an idea in his head (crosswise he admits), that if Mr. President Pierce had anything assimilating to a policy, it must be like his grandmother’s hard cider—­the longer it remained exposed the flatter it became.  That this was an egregious mistake, is fully proven to a mistaken world by the dauntless and immortal Admiral Hollins (he should be promoted to the rank), who, to give positive evidence of the size of his master’s spirit, just battered down a defenseless town or two.  It may turn out that the bombshelling was only to practice a little in that sort of gunnery, and that using up the property of American citizens to illustrate the war principles of Uncle Sam was merely an evidence of spunk in Mr. Pierce, who expected his people to knock under.

“Smooth has been at the White House, seeing Mr. Pierce, and cautioning him about the look of things abroad, lest they get kind of snarled up.

“Being a genuine New Englander, with real Puritanic blood in his composition, Smooth considered himself a good sort of man,—­rather a desirable neighbor, conscientious, extremely disinterested, and always ready to do a bit of a good turn, never forgetting number one.  Smooth was just going to ask the Gineral if this was not so, when he smiled so free and easy that it settled the point shorter.

“’Now, Smooth, you’ve seen a good deal, I reckon, and must be a man of profound opinions:  tell us, are we going to get fuzzled up in the breakers on the other side of the big pond?’ inquired the Gineral, looking so serious that Smooth made it a point to get his ideas squared up.

“‘Somethin for us citizens to have a go-in-at, you means, I s’pose?’

“‘Yes!’ replied the Gineral.

“Smooth reckoned ’twas best to have an understanding about how much he was going to get from Uncle Sam’s chink-locker for doing the thrashing for these United States afore he said much about what was going on in the world.  Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and, seeing that he did not keep the best cash account in the world, Smooth had no objection to entering into the tin business with him, now that he had a large stock on hand.  Smooth, however, must make one single proviso, and that is, that he be always permitted to work out the p’s and q’s of his own demands.

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The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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