Besides, when I got fat I capitalized my fatness in the printed word.  I told how it felt to be fat.

I described how natural it was for a fat man to feel like the Grand Canon before dinner and like the Royal Gorge afterwards.

I told how, if he wedged himself into a telephone booth and said, “64 Broad,” persons overhearing him were not sure whether he was asking Central for a number or telling a tailor what his waist measurements were.

I told how deeply it distressed him as he walked along, larding the earth as he passed, to hear bystanders making ribald comments about the inadvisability of trying to move bank vaults through the streets in the daytime.  And now that, after fifteen years of fatness, I am getting thin again—­glory be!—­wherein, I ask, is the impropriety in furnishing the particulars for publication; the more especially since my own tale, I fondly trust, may make helpful telling for some of my fellow creatures?  When you can offer a boon to humanity and at the same time be paid for it the dual advantage is not to be decried.

CHAPTER II

Those Romping Elfin Twenties

It has been my personal observation, viewing the matter at close range, that nearly always fat, like old age or a thief in the dark, steals upon one unawares.  I take my own case.  As a youngster and on through my teens and into my early twenties—­ah, those romping elfin twenties!—­I was, in outline, what might be termed dwindly, not to say slimmish.  Those who have known me in my latter years might be loath to believe it, but one of my boyhood nick-names—­I had several, and none of them was complimentary but all of them were graphic—­was Bonesy.  At sixteen, by striping myself in alternate whites and blacks, I could have hired out for a surveyor’s rod.  At twenty-one I measured six feet the long way, and if only mine had been a hook nose I should have cast a shadow like a shepherd’s crook.

My avocation in life was such as to induce slenderness.  I was the city staff of a small-town daily paper, and what with dodging round gathering up items about people to write for the paper and then dodging round to avoid personal contact with the people I had written the items about for the paper, I was kept pretty constantly upon the go.  In our part of the country in those days the leading citizens were prone to take offense at some of the things that were said of them in the public prints and given to expressing their sense of annoyance forcibly.  When a high-spirited Southern gentleman, regarding whom something of a disagreeable nature had appeared in the news columns, entered the editorial sanctum without knocking, wearing upon his crimsoned face an expression of forthright irritation and with his right hand stealing back under his coat skirt, it was time for the offending reporter to emulate the common example of the native white-throated nut-hatch and either flit thence rapidly or hunt a hole.