Schultze. No, nothing—­and you know it.  It is more likely we shall end in prison if we talk like this.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  “I WARN YOU, SIR!  THE DISCOURTESY OF THIS BANK IS BEYOND ALL LIMITS.  ONE WORD MORE AND I—­I WITHDRAW MY OVERDRAFT.”]

* * * * *

“NAVAL APPOINTMENTS.

“ROYAL NAVAL RESERVE.

    “Mr. J.R.  MACDONALD entered as Skipper (temp.)”—­The Times.

If this is how the Government hopes to get the Member for Leicester to Petrograd there is still the difficulty of enlisting a crew (temp.)

* * * * *

    “Successful raids were carried out by us during the night east of
    Lagnicourt (two or three metres south of Bullecourt).”—­Evening Times
    and Echo.

For the sake of precision we could have wished that the measurement had been worked out to inches.

* * * * *

“Thousands on foot and in every kind of vehicle visited the grisly relic.  A Sunday school teacher marched the girls of her class to the place.  Some 80ft. of her nose-end is stuck aslant in the air.”—­Daily Mail.

Not every woman is so well-equipped for showing contempt of the enemy.

* * * * *

    “Wanted, Coachman-Chauffeur, ‘Over-land’ Car (Protestant), over
    military age.”—­Londonderry Sentinel.

Whatever its religion a car of this age must be almost past praying for.

* * * * *

    “The sort of women who literally make ducks and drakes of their duty as
    the family administrator.”—­Spectator.

Having regard to the high price of poultry might not the new Food-Controller get these women to explain how they do it?

* * * * *

THE BUFFER’S VINDICATION.

  I haven’t fought, I haven’t dug, I’ve worn no special caps,
    Too little has my country, sure, had from me;
  But I’ve never talked of “strafe-ing” anyone for any lapse,
    And I’ve never called a fighting man a “Tommy.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Old Soldier (trying to “swing the lead").  “WELL, SIR, I CAN’T NEITHER EAT, SLEEP NOR DRINK, SIR.”

M.O. (in a spasm of enthusiasm).  “MY GOOD MAN!  THE ARMY WANTS A BATTALION LIKE YOU!”]

* * * * *

THE WATCH DOGS.

LXII.