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This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 132 pages of information about Best Short Stories.

The couple agreed, and after a stirring war sermon at the proper moment the clergyman said:  “Will those who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please come forward?”

Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.

DOING HIS DUTY, BUT—­

That time-honored subject the wife who talks and the husband who endures never ceases to be a source of inspiration to the humorist, and it is truly astonishing how many new ways it can be treated: 

One day the telephone bell rang with anxious persistence.  The doctor answered the call of a tired husband.

“Yes?” he said.

“Oh, doctor,” said a worried voice, “something seems to have happened to my wife.  Her mouth seems set and she can’t say a word.”

“Why, she may have lockjaw,” said the medical man.

“Do you think so?  Well, if you are up this way some time next week you might step in and see what you can do for her.”

ANTICIPATING THE PLEASURE

Will Hogg of Texas says that down in Houston one Monday morning a Negro boy in his employ came to him with a request.

“Boss,” said the darky, “I’d lak to git off nex’ Friday fur the day.”

“What for?” inquired Hogg.

“Got to go to a fun’el.”

“Whose funeral is it?”

“My uncle’s.”

“When did your uncle die?”

“Lawd, boss, he ain’t daid yit!”

“Then how do you know his funeral is going to take place on Friday?”

“’Case dey’s gwine hang him Thursday!”

HIS COMPLAINT

To be truthful and at the same time diplomatic is one of the rarest of combinations, and only a small boy would be equal to it: 

Johnny’s manners had been improving at home, but at what a cost to his appetite when he had an invitation to dine at a boy friend’s house!  His hostess said, concernedly, when dessert was reached, “You refuse a second helping of pie?  Are you suffering from indigestion, Johnny?” “No, ma’am; politeness.”

PUTTING IT UP TO THE HORSE

Pat had just joined a horse regiment, and was undergoing the necessary practice in the riding school.  After a particularly desperate attempt to unseat its rider, the horse managed to entangle a hoof in one of the stirrups.

“Begorra,” said Pat, “if you’re comin’ on, then I’m gettin’ off!”

THE WORM TURNED

A party of engineers were tracing a township line across some farm lands in Illinois.  As chance would have it, the line passed directly through a large barn having double doors on each side of it, and they found they could continue their measurements through the barn by opening the doors and thus avoiding the dreaded detour.  The owner watched their progress with considerable interest, but made no comment until they had reached the farther side of the barn, when he asked: 

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