“Now, let’s hear you talk,” he continued, closing his eyes and listening.

“What’ll Oi be sayin’, doctor?”

“Oh, say anything.  Count one, two, three, and up,” murmured the interne, drowsily.

“Wan, two, three, four, five, six,” began the patient.  When the young doctor, with a start, opened his eyes, he was counting huskily:  “Tin hundred an’ sixty-nine, tin hundred an’ sivinty, tin hundred an’ sivinty-wan.”

THE MAN HE LEFT BEHIND

An English storekeeper went to the war and left his clerk behind to look after things.  When he was wounded and taken to the hospital, what was his surprise to find his clerk in the cot next to him.

“Well, I thought I left you to take care of the store,” said the storekeeper.

“You did,” answered the clerk, “But you didn’t tell me I had to look after your women folks as well as the store.  I stood it as long as I could and then I said to myself:  ’Look here, if you’ve got to fight, you might as well go and fight someone that you can hit.’”

SOME SPEED

It was a dull day in the trenches, and a bunch of Tommies had gathered and were discussing events.  After a while the talk turned on a big Boche who had been captured the night before.

“He was scared stiff,” said one Tommy.

“Did he run?” asked another.

“Run?” replied the first.  “Why, if that Boche had had jest one feather in his hand he’d ‘a’ flew.”

A DEEP-LAID PLAN

“Would you mind letting me off fifteen minutes early after this, sir?” asked the bookkeeper.  “You see, I’ve moved into the suburbs and I can’t catch my train unless I leave at a quarter before five o’clock.”

“I suppose I’ll have to,” grumbled the boss; “but you should have thought of that before you moved.”

“I did,” confided the bookkeeper to the stenographer a little later, “and that’s the reason I moved.”

ONLY ONE THING FOR HIM

A three-hundred-pound man stood gazing longingly at the nice things displayed in a haberdasher’s window for a marked-down sale.  A friend stopped to inquire if he was thinking of buying shirts or pyjamas.

“Gosh, no!” replied the fat man wistfully.  “The only thing that fits me ready-made is a handkerchief.”

A TEST OF FRIENDSHIP

Andy Foster, a well-known character in his native city, had recently shuffled off this mortal soil in destitute circumstances, although in his earlier days he enjoyed financial prosperity.

A prominent merchant, an old friend of the family, attended the funeral and was visibly affected as he gazed for the last time on his old friend and associate.

The mourners were conspicuously few in number and some attention was attracted by the sorrowing merchant.  “The old gentleman was very dear to you?” ventured one of the bearers after the funeral was over.