Dis brings us to de time when Abraham led de chillun ob Israel into Egypt, an’ Moses led ’em out again case de folks ob Egypt so bad dey shoot craps all day, and eben make Faro de king. Dey take all de money ‘way from de Jews an’ raise de price ob cawn an’ hay till de po’ Jews can’t live.
Rockefeller-Morgan Faro, de king, say dey can’t go, but Moses done got de Lawd on his side, an’ he crossed de Red Sea in submarines, so Faro got drowned wid all his host. De mummy ob dat same Faro is still alive in de big museums ob de world, but whar de host is no man can tell.
Dat de way de Wall Street gang dat been raisin’ de price ob food gwine ter pass in dey checks—in de Red Sea ob blood ob dis war.
Moses an’ de Jews went trabelin’ ober de desert till one day dey gits so hungry dey makes a fatted calf ob gold while Moses up on Mount Sinai gittin’ de law laid down. Moses come er-cussin’ back an’ busted de Law ober Aaron’s head, an’ den dey killed de fatted calf an’ put a ring on his finger. For de prodigal done return, an’ dey is mo’ rejoicin’ ober one sinner sabed dan ninety an’ nine what doan know ’nuff to put deir money in de contribution box instead ob shootin’ it ’way on craps.
Oh, I knows you backsliders, an’ ef any ob you doan come across while Dekin Jones passes de box, I’se gwine ter preach nex’ Sunday on what happened ter de money-chasers in de temple.
We will now sing two verses ob “Th’ow Out de Lifeline, Anoder Ship Sinkin’ To-day.”
The hobo knocked at the back door and the lady of the house appeared.
“Lady,” he said, “I was at the front—”
“You poor man!” she exclaimed. “One of war’s victims. Wait till I get you some food, and you shall tell me your story. You were in the trenches, you say?”
“Not in the trenches. I was at the front—”
“Don’t try to talk with your mouth full. Take your time. What deed of heroism did you do at the front?”
“Why, I knocked, but I couldn’t make nobody hear, so I came around to the back.”
Did it ever occur to you that a man’s life is full of cussedness? He comes into the world without his consent, and goes out against his will, and the trip between is exceedingly rocky.
When he is little, the big girls kiss him; when he is big, the little girls kiss him. If he is poor, he is a bad manager; if he is rich, he’s a crook. If he is prosperous, everybody wants to do him a favor; if he needs credit, they hand him a lemon.
If he is in politics, it is for graft; if out of politics, he is no good to his country. If he doesn’t give to charity, he’s a tightwad; if he does, it’s for show. If he is actively religious, he is a hypocrite; and if he takes no interest in religion, he is a heathen.
If he is affectionate, he is a soft mark; if he cares for no one, he is cold-blooded. If he dies young, there was a great future for him; if he lives to an old age, he missed his calling.