Best Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 132 pages of information about Best Short Stories.

“After thinking it over for twelve months,” said Kitchener, “you still wish to marry?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Very well, you shall have your furlough.  And frankly, my boy, I scarcely thought there was so much constancy in the masculine world.”

Kenilworth, the story concludes, marched to the door, but turned to say as he was leaving:  “Thank you, sir.  Only it’s not the same woman.”

HE KNEW THE LAW

An old colored man charged with stealing chickens was arraigned in court and was incriminating himself when the judge said: 

“You ought to have a lawyer.  Where’s your lawyer?”

“Ah ain’t got no lawyer, jedge,” said the old man.

“Very well, then,” said his honor, “I’ll assign a lawyer to defend you.”

“Oh, no, suh; no, suh!  Please don’t do dat!” the darky begged.

“Why not?” asked the judge.  “It won’t cost you anything.  Why don’t you want a lawyer?”

“Well, jedge, Ah’ll tell you, suh,” said the old man, waving his tattered old hat confidentially.  “Hit’s dis way.  Ah wan’ tah enjoy dem chickens mahse’f.”

A SERMON ON THE WAR BY PARSON BROWN

The historic colored preacher who held forth so strenuously after the Civil War has almost become obsolete, but in certain sections he still holds his own, as the following sermon, taken from Life, will show: 

Brederen an’ Sisterin:  I done read de Bible from kiver to kiver, from lid to lid an’ from end to end, an’ nowhar do I find a mo’ ’propriate tex’ at dis time, when de whole worl’ is scrimmigin’ wid itse’f, dan de place whar Paul Pinted de Pistol at de Philippines an’ said, “Dou art de man.”

Kaiser Bill ob Germany is de man, an’ Uncle Sam done got de pistol pinted his way, an’ goin’ to pull de trigger, lessen Bill gits off his perch, like dat woman Jezebel dat sassed Ahab from de roof top.

Ahab say to his soldiers, “Go up an’ th’ow dat woman down,” an’ dey th’ew her down.  Den he say, “Go up an’ th’ow her down again,” an’ dey th’ew her down again; an’ he say, “Take her back up an th’ow her down seben times,” an’ dey th’owed her down seben times, an’ ast if dat ain’t enough.

But Ahab done got his dander up, an’ say, “No!  Dat ain’t enough.  Th’ow her down sebenty times seben.”

And afterwards dey done pick up twelve baskets ob de fragments dereob.

Dat’s what gwine ter happen ter dat Bill Heah Him Hollerin.

De Good Book done fo’told dis here war, an’ jist how it gwine ter end.  Don’t it say about de four beasts in de book of Relations, what spit fire an’ brimstone, meanin’ de Kaiser, de Turks, de Ostriches, and de Bullgeraniums, case two ob dem beasteses is birds, an’ Ostriches an’ Turkys is birds.  De bigges’ beast is de Kaiser, case he uses Germans to pizen his enemies.  De newspapers say as how diseases is all caused by Germans gittin’ in de food an’ bein’ breathed in de lungs, givin’ folks hydrophobia an’ lumbago an’ consumption.

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Best Short Stories from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
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