“Ah!” he muttered, with a sigh. “I made a big mistake. I ought to ’ave sat in that salt and water!”
A more kind-hearted and ingenuous soul never lived than Aunt Betsey, but she was a poor housekeeper. On one occasion a neighbor who had run in for a “back-door” call was horrified to see a mouse run across Aunt Betsey’s kitchen floor.
“Why on earth don’t you set a trap, Betsey?” she asked.
“Well,” replied Aunt Betsey. “I did have a trap set. But land, it was such a fuss! Those mice kept getting into it!”
An Italian, having applied for citizenship, was being examined in the naturalization court.
“Who is the President of the United States?”
“Who is the Vice-President?”
“Could you be President?”
“Mister, you ’scuse, please. I vera busy worka da mine.”
During the cross-examination of a young physician in a lawsuit, the plaintiff’s lawyer made disagreeable remarks about the witness’s youth and inexperience.
“You claim to be acquainted with the various symptoms attending concussion of the brain?” asked the lawyer.
“We will take a concrete case,” continued the lawyer. “If my learned friend, counsel for the defence, and myself were to bang our heads together, would he get concussion of the brain?”
The young physician smiled. “The probabilities are,” he replied, “that the counsel for the defence would.”
The admiration which Bob felt for his Aunt Margaret included all her attributes.
“I don’t care much for plain teeth like mine, Aunt Margaret,” said Bob, one day, after a long silence, during which he had watched her in laughing conversation with his mother. “I wish I had some copper-toed ones like yours.”
An American editor had a notice stuck up above his desk that read: “Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!” and this notice he always pointed out to the new reporters.
One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a public meeting. The editor read it through, and came to the sentence: “Three thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the speaker.”
“What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?” he demanded, wrathfully.
“But it’s not a blunder,” protested the youngster. “There was a one-eyed man in the audience!”
“Why did you strike this man?” asked the Judge sternly.