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Best Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 132 pages of information about Best Short Stories.

“Well, Mose, what branch of the service would you like to be placed in?” inquired the official.

“How about the cavalry?”

“What will Ah have ter do in de calvary?”

“Oh, you won’t have to do anything but ride a horse all the time.”

Mose scratched his woolly noggin in perplexity for a few moments, and finally said:  “Nawssur, Ah don’t believe Ah wants ter jine the calvary.”

“What’s the matter with the cavalry, Mose?”

“Well, yer see, boss, hit’s jest like dis:  When y’awl blow dem bugles ter retreet, Ah don’t want ter be troubled wid no hoss.”

THEIR “BIT”

Jimmie, very proud of his first job and weekly salary of $6.83, purchased a Liberty Bond on the installment plan.  That evening he saw in the newspaper that John D. Rockefeller had invested in Liberty Bonds to the extent of $10,000,000.

Turning to his mother, Jimmie said proudly, “Well, ma, two of us Americans have done our duty, anyhow.”

MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN

A woman doctor of Philadelphia was calling on a young sister, recently married, who was in distress.  In response to the doctor’s inquiry the newly-wed said: 

“I cooked a meal for the first time yesterday, and I made an awful mess of it.”

“Never mind, dearie,” said the doctor, cheerfully; “it’s nothing to worry about.  I lost my first patient.”

DANGER SIGNALS

An ingenious American has invented a device to prevent such motoring accidents as arise from over-speeding.  He describes his contrivance as follows: 

“While the car is running fifteen miles an hour a white bulb shows on the radiator, at twenty-five miles a green bulb appears, at forty a red bulb, and, when the driver begins to bat ’em out around sixty per, a music-box under the seat begins to play ‘Nearer, My God, to Thee.’”

VULNERABLE

A visiting minister, preaching in a town famous for its horse races, vigorously denounced the sport.  The principal patron of the church always attended the races, and of this the clergyman was later informed.

“I am afraid I touched one of your weaknesses,” said the pastor, not wishing to offend the wealthy one, “but it was quite unintentional, I assure you.”

“Oh, don’t mind that,” said the sportsman genially.  “It’s a mighty poor sermon that don’t hit me somewhere.”

MISLEADING

Johnson, a bachelor, had been to call on his sister, and was shown the new baby.  The next day some friends asked him to describe the new arrival.  The bachelor replied:  “Um—­very small features, clean shaven, red faced, and a very hard drinker!”

A SOFT ANSWER

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