They intend to send a wire
    To the moon;
  And they’ll set the Thames on fire
    Very soon;
  Then they learn to make silk purses
    With their rigs
  From the ears of Lady Circe’s
    Piggy-wigs. 
  And weazels at their slumbers
    They’ll trepan;
  To get sunbeams from cu_cum_bers
    They’ve a plan. 
  They’ve a firmly rooted notion
  They can cross the Polar Ocean,
  And they’ll find Perpetual Motion
    If they can!

    These are the phenomena
    That every pretty domina
      Hopes that we shall see
      At this Universitee!

  As for fashion, they forswear it,
    So they say,
  And the circle—­they will square it
    Some fine day;
  Then the little pigs they’re teaching
    For to fly;
  And the niggers they’ll be bleaching
    Bye and bye! 
  Each newly joined aspirant
    To the clan
  Must repudiate the tyrant
    Known as Man;
  They mock at him and flout him,
  For they do not care about him,
  And they’re “going to do without him”
    If they can!

    These are the phenomena
    That every pretty domina
      Hopes that we shall see
      At this Universitee!

THE APE AND THE LADY.

  A lady fair, of lineage high,
  Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by—­
  The Maid was radiant as the sun,
  The Ape was a most unsightly one—­
    So it would not do—­
    His scheme fell through;
  For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
    Expressed such terror
    At his monstrous error,
  That he stammered an apology and made his ’scape,
  The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

  With a view to rise in the social scale,
  He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail,
  He grew moustachios, and he took his tub,
  And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. 
    But it would not do,
    The scheme fell through—­
  For the Maid was Beauty’s fairest Queen
    With golden tresses,
    Like a real princess’s,
  While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
  Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!

  He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
  He crammed his feet into bright tight boots,
  And to start his life on a brand-new plan,
  He christened himself Darwinian Man! 
    But it would not do. 
    The scheme fell through—­
  For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved,
    Was a radiant Being,
    With a brain far-seeing—­
  While a Man, however well-behaved,
  At best is only a monkey shaved!

SANS SOUCI

  I cannot tell what this love may be
  That cometh to all but not to me. 
  It cannot be kind as they’d imply,
  Or why do these gentle ladies sigh? 
  It cannot be joy and rapture deep,
  Or why do these gentle ladies weep? 
  It cannot be blissful, as ’tis said,
  Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?