Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to get it into the house.  The old man was extremely proud of it, and found it very good company.  He would lie awake nights to hear it tick.  One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.

The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two.  He promptly sat up in bed, and calling to his wife said, “Cynthy, get up, get up.  It’s later than I’ve ever knowed it to be.”

PROF (in geology)—­“The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years.”

SOPH—­“Great guns!  And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!”

“Paw, what’s the longest period of time?”

“From one pay-day to the next.”

CALLER—­“Is your mother at home, Elsie?”

CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER—­“Goodness, no!  She won’t be at home today until about Saturday.  Why, she hasn’t got home yesterday yet.”—­Life.

FIRST LOAFER—­“I ’ear all the men ’ave gone on strike.”

SECOND LOAFER—­“Wat ’ave they struck for?”

FIRST LOAFER—­“Shorter hours.”

SECOND LOAFER—­“I always said as ’ow sixty minutes was too long for an hour.”

“Time is precious,” said the parson.

“It is, indeed,” rejoined the business man, “and I’ve wasted an awful lot of it.”

“By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?” suggested the good man.

“Not exactly,” replied the other.  “I wasted most of it by being punctual in keeping my appointments with others.”

See also Daylight saving.

TIPS

The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship.  In thanking him she said: 

“I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden.”

“Lor’ bless yer ’eart, ma’am,” replied Jack, “so were the apples in the Garden of Eden.”

Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner.

LUNCHER—­“Look here, waiter, I’m very sorry, but I’ve only just sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip for you.”

WAITER (confidently)—­“Would you mind just letting me ’ave another look at the bill, sir?”

He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual phenomenon he had noted.

“Why is it, Sam,” he said, addressing the waiter, “that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?”

“Well, suh,” rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins meditatively, “looks to me like de po’ man don’t want nobody to find out he’s po’ an’ de rich man don’t want nobody to find out he’s rich.”

“What’s the difference between valor and discretion?”

“Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor.”

“I see.  And discretion?”

“That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day.”