“How much vas dose collars?”

“Two for a quarter.”

“How much for vun?”

“Fifteen cents.”

“Giff me de odder vun.”

“Ikey,” said the teacher, “can you give me a definition for ’a bargain’?”

“Sure I can,” smiled Ikey.  “A bargain’s when you get the best of them.”

Dad was not greatly pleased by the school report brought to him by his hopeful.

“How is it?” he demanded, “that you stand so much lower in your studies for the month of January than for December?”

Samuel was equal to the emergency.  “Why, dad,” said he, in an injured tone, “don’t you know that everything is marked down after the holidays?”

Swapping dollars enriches nobody but swapping ideas enriches both parties to the trade.

A noted wag met an Irishman in the street one day, and thought he would be funny at his expense.

“Hello, Pat!” he said.  “I’ll give you eight (in) pence for a shilling.”

“Will ye, now?” said Pat.

“Yes,” he replied.

The Irishman handed over the shilling, and his friend put eight pence into his palm in return.

“Eight in pence,” he explained.  “Not bad, is it?”

“No,” answered Pat; “but the shilling is!”

BASEBALL

“Baseball,” says a Big League magnate, “is the public’s luxury.”  The small boy will disagree with him, a luxury being something you can do without.-Puck.

At a ball game between a South Carolina negro team and a visiting team of similar color a negro preacher was acting as umpire.  The pitcher had gone rather wild, and had permitted all the bases to fill.  Another man came to the bat, and the nervous pitcher shot one over.

“Ball one,” yelled the ump.

The pitcher tried again.

“Ball two,” was the decision.

Another effort by the hurler.

“Ball three,” said the umpire.

The pitcher saw his predicament, and made one master effort to save the day.

“Ball four,” yelled the ump, “and the man’s out.”

“How come, I’se out?” inquired the enraged batter.

“I’se repelled to put you out, nigger.  Don’t you see dar’s nowhere else to put you?” reasoned the umpire.

They were getting up a ball game in a small town and lacked one player.  They finally persuaded an old fellow to fill in, although he said he had never played before.  He went to the bat and the first ball pitched he knocked over the fence.  Every one stood and watched the ball, even the batter.  Excitedly they told him to run.  “Shucks!” he said, “what’s the use of running, I’ll buy you another ball.”

An Englishman was seeing his first game of baseball, and the “fan” was explaining the different plays as they were being made.

“Don’t you think it’s great?” enthusiastically asked the “fan.”

“Well,” replied the Englishman, “I think it’s very exciting, but also a very dangerous game.”