“Smith certainly is a foxy fellow.  He’s drawn up his will in such a way that the lawyers can’t get more out of it than his own heirs.”

“How’s that?”

“Why, he left half his fortune to one of the best lawyers in the country, provided he saw to it that the other half went to Smith’s children intact.”

“I couldn’t serve as a juror, judge.  One look at that fellow convinces me he’s guilty.”

“Sh-h!  That’s the district attorney.”

LITTLE WILLIE—­“What is a lawyer, pa?”

PA—­“A lawyer, my son, is a man who induces two other men to strip for a fight, and then runs off with their clothes.”

The following is told of a late railway magnate and a prominent
Philadelphia lawyer.

Said the magnate to the lawyer—­“I want you to show that this law is unconstitutional.  Do you think that you can manage it?”

“Easily,” answered the lawyer.

“Well, go ahead and get familiar with the case.”

“I’m already at home in it.  I know my ground perfectly.  It’s the same law you had me prove was constitutional two years ago.”

“Are you sure you can prove my client is crazy?”

“Why, certainly,” replied the eminent alienist.  “And what is more, if you are ever in trouble and need my services I’ll do the same thing for you.”

The lawyer was endeavoring to pump some free advice out of the doctor.

“Which side is it best to lie on, Doc?”

“The side that pays you the retainer.”

An attorney in Dublin having died exceedingly poor, a shilling subscription was set on foot to pay the expenses of his funeral.  Most of the attorneys and barristers having subscribed, one of them applied to Toler, afterwards Lord Chief Justice Norbury, expressing his hope that he would also subscribe his shilling.

“Only a shilling!” said Toler; “only a shilling to bury an attorney!  Here is a guinea; go and bury one-and-twenty of them.”

See also Judges.

LAZINESS

“I was in need of help to harvest my prune crop,” said the grower, “and I went to a saloon in a near-by city.  On entering the place I accosted the barkeeper, and asked him if any of the men lounging about the place cared for employment at good wages.

“‘I dunno,’ said the mixer, ’yer better ask ’em.’

“‘Any of you men want to go to work?’ I said.

“There was a dead silence for a few moments, when one of the loafers spoke up and queried, ‘What doing, and what do yer pay?’

“‘Picking prunes,’ I replied, ’and I pay three dollars a day and board.’

“‘What kind of a place is it?’ asked the garrulous one.

“‘It is an attractive rolling orchard,’ I answered.

“The I. W. W. spokesman rose from his chair, yawned, stretched himself, and said, ’Well, roll her in here and let’s see her, and we’ll tell yer if we wants the job.’”