“Yes, sir.”

“Have you a visiting card?”

“I—­I—­yes, sir,” stammered the puzzled student.

“Then, Mr. Junkins,” the professor said dryly, “write down on your visiting card all that you know, and bring it to me tomorrow.”

ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS

Returning home from a scientific meeting one night, a college professor, who was noted for his concentration of thought, was still pondering deeply on the subject that had been under discussion.  Upon entering his room he heard a noise that appeared to come from under the bed.

“Is there any one there?” he asked, absently.

“No, professor,” answered the intruder, knowing his peculiarities.

“That’s strange,” murmured the professor.  “I was almost sure I heard some one under the bed.”

IMITATION

Imitation is a confession of limitation.

Imitation is the sincerest of flattery.—­Colton.

IMMIGRANTS

See Board of health.

IMPUDENCE

Put in the Bill

When in Canada last, Mr. Kipling was so dissatisfied with the hotel accommodations that he gave the landlord a severe call-down.  Said he:  “Of all the hotels under the shining sun, I have never been in one that for unmitigated, all-round, unendurable discomfort could equal yours.”

After the landlord had withdrawn in great indignation, Kipling asked for his bill, and he discovered that the last item was, “To impudence—­three dollars.”

  He that has but impudence,
  To all things has a fair pretence;
  And puts among his wants but shame,
  To all the world may lay his claim.

  —­Butler.

There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen face.—­Menander.

INCOME TAX

We saw Diogenes the other day with his lantern.

“Still looking for an honest man?” we asked.

He shook his head mournfully.

“No.  I gave that up long ago.  I wish I’d stuck to it.  It wasn’t half so hopeless as what I’m doing now.”

He certainly did look despondent, and our hearts went out to him.

“What are you looking for now, then?” we asked.

He sighed.  “I’m looking for a congressman who made out his income tax without anybody’s help.”

We don’t know who it was who wrote the income-tax blank, but we are certain that he stole his style either from Robert Browning or Henry James.

Income Tax Tips

(All replies to questions in this column given free of tax.)

PUZZLED—­Don’t be bluffed.  Simply put all extra leaves in dining-room table, grasp tax return firmly with both hands, and throw it flat on its back.  When you have it down brand it on first page with hot ink.