HAMPTON—­“Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one.  They were one of the first to come across.”

RHODES—­“The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to come across.”—­Judge.

“Pa, what are ancestors?”

“Well, my son, I’m one of yours.  Your grandpa is another.”

“Oh!  Then why is it people brag about them?”

HE—­“My ancestors came over in the Mayflower.”

SHE—­“It’s lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now.”

ANIMALS

It was Robert’s first visit to the Zoo.

“What do you think of the animals?” inquired Uncle Ben.

After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied:  “I think the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails.”

ANTICIPATION

“Mr. Blinks,” said she, “do you think that anticipation is greater than realization?”

“Well,” replied Mr. Blinks, “anticipation is broader and higher, but realization is longer and flatter.”

ANTIQUES

“Gee, whiz!  Isn’t that Smithson who just went by in his automobile?  When I knew him a few years ago he had a junk-shop.”

“He still has.  Only he moved in to a fashionable street and labeled the same stock ‘Antiques.’”

CUSTOMER—­“What!  Five hundred dollars for that antique?  Why, I priced it last week and you said three hundred and fifty.”

DEALER—­“Yes, I know; but the cost of labor and materials has gone up so!”

AD WRITER—­“When do you want me to prepare that copy for the sale of antiques you have been planning?”

BOSS—­“We’ll have to hold back on those awhile.  The wormhole borers are on strike in Grand Rapids.”

APARTMENTS

MR. LONGSUFFER—­“Say, janitor, it’s down to zero in my flat.”

JANITOR—­“Down to zero, is it?  That’s nothing.”

Necessarily So

“I wonder if they take children in these apartments.”

“They must.  Some of the rooms aren’t big enough for a grown person.”

“How do the Joneses seem to like their little two-room kitchenette apartment?”

“Oh, they have no room for complaint!”—­Judge.

APPEARANCES

A man’s appearance indicates how his business is prospering, and his wife’s appearance shows how much he is spending.

In civilized society external advantages make us more respected.  A man with a good coat upon his back meets with a better reception than he who has a bad one.  You may analyze this and say, what is there in it?  But that will avail you nothing, for it is a part of a general system.—­Johnson.

A miser grows rich by seeming poor; an extravagant man grows poor by seeming rich.—­Shenstone.