“Why, Johnny,” exclaimed the shocked teacher, “do you mean to say that you don’t want to go to heaven?”

“No, ma’am,” replied Johnny promptly.  “Not if that bunch is going.”

THE COOK—­“Sir!  Sir!  There’s a Zep’lin outside and if you don’t come wi’ the keys of the cellar, we’ll all be in—­in—­heaven in a couple o’ minutes!”

THE CURATE—­“God forbid!”

One of the prominent deacons in an Ohio church was seriously ill.  As he was very popular among the congregation, a bulletin board was posted in front of the church to inform of his condition.  It read: 

“One o’clock.  Deacon Jones very ill.”

“Two o’clock.  Deacon Jones is worse and sinking rapidly.”

“Three o’clock.  Deacon Jones dead.”

A traveling man passing by that evening read the bulletin and, seeing no one in sight, added at the bottom: 

“Seven o’clock.  Great excitement in Heaven.  Deacon Jones has not arrived.  The worst is feared.”

“Ma, do cows and bees go to heaven?”

“Mercy, child, what a question!  Why?”

“Cause if they don’t, the milk and honey the preacher said was up there must be all canned stuff.”

“Say, mama, was baby sent down from heaven?”

“Why, yes.”

“Um.  They like to have it quiet up there, don’t they?”

See also Future life.

HELL

See Future life.

HEREDITY

“What is heredity?”

“Something a father believes in until his son starts to act like a fool.”

HEROES

“So you won the Distinguished Service Cross for conspicuous bravery in extreme danger.  Didn’t you feel shaky?”

“Not until I lined up for the general to pin it on me.”

An average American soldier.

One opportunity to serve.

Equal parts of danger and courage.

A sense of duty.

A hot enemy fire.

The other day I met in the street a man in uniform.  His coat sleeves were embroidered from shoulder to cuff with bars, stripes, insignia and chevrons of the most gorgeous colors and fantastic designs.  My curiosity was too much for me, and I was about to stop and question him, when I discovered he had already halted and was bursting to tell me.

“Yes,” he announced, “they are every one authorized by the War Department.  These three octangular triangles of orange mean my third cousin did a good deal of war work.  These ten vertical mauve stripes are ten embarkations; the ten horizontal stripes denote ten times sea-sick.”

“Then you never reached France,” I sympathized.

“No, but this gray dot indicates extreme disappointment.  Now these pink crosses—­”

But I hurried off, and almost ran into a limping soldier with only a small gold chevron on each arm.  My curiosity again overcame me.  “My boy, how came you by those?” I asked, feeling assured he could not say much about only two chevrons.  He did not.