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Peck's Compendium of Fun eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 246 pages of information about Peck's Compendium of Fun.

LAY UP APPLES IN HEAVEN.

[Illustration:  NO MORE APPLES FOR THE MINISTER.]

They tell a good story at Portage City, at the expense of Senator Barden, or a minister, we don’t know which.  Barden had a lot of apples sent him last fall, and he was anxious to sell them, before winter set in.  One day he thought of a new minister that had settled in Portage, so he made up his mind to take him up a couple of barrels, supposing that when he went to heaven and saw the big ledger opened, there would be a credit about as follows: 

L.W.  BARDEN,
in acc’t with Providence,

1876. 
Oct. 21.  By two bbls. apples, @ $3 $6.00
" " " drayage .30
-----
Total $6.30

Barden loaded them on a dray, and got on it, with his pants in his boots, and went up to deliver them himself.  He stopped at the minister’s gate, and hurried the apples off and rolled them inside the gate, and tried to get away before the minister had time to thank him.  Just as he was about to drive away the door opened and the man of God came out, and says he: 

“Look here!  You put them apples in the cellar!”

Barden told him he was in something of a hurry, and really he could not spare the time.  The minister raised his voice to a sort of “auction pitch,” and said: 

“Here, now.  You don’t know your business, Mr. Drayman.  You roll them apples into the cellar, or I won’t accept them.”

The senator was by this time as mad as senators usually get.  He jumped off the dray, threw the two barrels of apples on, and drove off, saying he didn’t care a continental dam if the minister eat dried apples all winter.  And he took them back to his store, and it is safe to say that he will not give many more apples to that minister.

MORAL:—­Never despise a man because he wears a ragged coat, for he may be a senatorial granger angel in the disguise of a drayman.  And you may have to fill up on turnips instead of apples.

ONE OF BEECHER’S CONVERTS.

Since Beecher, the great revivalist, was here, and spoke so eloquently on the fall of man, and the need of making arrangements for the future, I have become a changed man.  It hurts me to lie now, and when anything hurts, then I quit.  It is wrong to lie, and a man who follows it up will come to some bad end.

BUYING A STONE CRUSHER.

The proceedings of the council of the city of Milwaukee shows that the aldermen are about to buy a stone crusher, to be run by steam, for the purpose of crushing stones to be used on the streets.  If the city has never indulged in the luxury of a stone crusher, it should interview some city that has owned one, before it closes a contract with any party that wants to sell one.  Every party that owns one does want to sell

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